Monday, 8 August 2016

Nautical Disaster

Sometimes I feel adrift. Okay, more like I'm sinking. Like right now. But there are a few people who are always there for me.

And I have to say thank you. Jay always says "I got you". And I gotta admit, he does. You can't leave the apartment? I'll come over and hold your hand so you can take your dog out. You need money? Clothes? Company? I got you.

And he's not the only one but I figured it was time for him to deserve his own blog.

Last week was not great. I had to meet with a lawyer to resolve some issues. I had to contact my ex-husband to resolve some other things. Then the JWs thought it would be a good time to swoop in. Remind me of all the things I try to forget. I broke up with the guy I was seeing. I kept thinking about taking the sword off the wall and making this time be the last time I feel like this.

Then I thought about Donia, who was one of the best friends and best people I've ever known. She beat cancer twice. The third time won. Most people don't understand it, but depression is a disease too. She was so mad at me when I tried to kill myself because she fought so hard to live.

So round three is not going to get me. My bounce back time is getting better every time. I just hate this version of me. On the other hand, how lucky am I to have people who stick with me every time?

When Donia was dying, I sat by her hospital bed for hours every week, even when she didn't know I was there. I guess the Universe does pay it back when you're a good person.

This whole story didn't end up being all about Jay. :) But he did used to drive me to the hospital to see her and wait outside for me and take me home. He sits with me when I cry. He makes sure I eat. He loves Max. He's paid my vet bills when I couldn't and slept by my side when I couldn't be trusted to be alone.

Depression lies to us. It tells us that we are not worthy of love. That we are weak. And society hasn't caught up to accepting the fact that this is not some made up condition in our head. And those stigmas? They aren't true.

If you are dealing with this too, just know you're not alone. And the fights not over until we decide it is. Me? The sword will stay on the wall. I'll be on that plane on Friday and soon I'll taste salt water again. I'm the Captain of my sinking boat. I can choose not to drown. : )

Sullivan out.

Saturday, 6 August 2016

Salt Water

I haven't had a good JW rant lately so here we go. My ex boyfriend says I need to write. I do. Even if no one reads it.

Them: Please consider returning to Jehovah.

Me in my head: Are you fucking kidding me? Again? We're going to do this again?

So I'm like, okay. But I have some hard questions. I will require answers. Why are elders allowed to play God and ruin people's lives? If all the decisions made are made by Jehovah why do they get to sit in a room and tell me that my angry ex-husband got to decide what to do with me and laugh at me in my face? Where is the kindness, the compassion, the love they preach?

It's not there. We on the outside weren't the liars, they were. After my email, they decided there was no reason for us to meet up after all. Because they are cowards. And believing anything I say could take a chunk out of their belief system. God forbid. And I'm a woman. I've known both of them for over 20 years and they KNOW ME. I'm not a liar. I never have been.

But women do not get treated equally in their fucked up society. The men rule. And then instead of accepting the consequences of their actions and holding each other accountable, they cover up for each other and keep pretending they're all perfect. You know what elders? Some of you are good. Some of you are bad. Very, very bad. None of you are going to live forever in paradise. That's a faitrytale made up by some other man who wanted to control everyone else too. Oh, did I mention it's all about the money they make?

Then there's this guy I'm dating. Part of me wants to cry about this, but honestly, how can I? He was kind to me. I loved him a lot, for sure, but he was unavailable. I just never love anyone you know?

My boss thinks I need to just love me. So I'm going home. Maybe the salt water will heal everything. The ocean keeps trying to drown me (three times) but I love it regardless. :)

Sullivan out.

Thursday, 4 August 2016

First Cut is the Deepest

I've been fighting with my ex-husband. He's lazy and we haven't been able to get him off my life insurance policy for 6 years. Jesus, dude, all you have to do is fill out a paper.

Due to recent events, I need that taken care of. I have Max now. He got hit by a car a few weeks ago and it cost almost $1,000. What about when he gets old and someone needs to pay the vet bills and something has happened to me? Also my family will need that money for all the fines they will get for the elaborate funeral I have planned for myself. : )

This was my thought process. So I've been harassing him to just do it. Opening the door again is always a bad idea, even if it's necessary. He sent me a picture of his baby. She has his eyes. I've been crying since last night. Not that I want to be back with him. I'm sure he's much happier without me and married to my ex-friend and the cult.

Me and the cult are over. Him and I are over. But we were friends since we were 15 years old. I still miss him. And part of me wishes that baby was mine. I've come to terms with the fact that I probably will never have kids now.

I've dated pretty much every guy in Toronto at this point. I'm currently in the most impossible "relationship" you could imagine. I'm gonna give it a try. I'll try. But...the first cut is the deepest.

How do you get over the people you really loved? My boss thinks I have a problem with self love. Yes sir, I do have a problem. If no one has ever loved you more than they loved some stupid cult, how do you love yourself? They make you feel insignificant, disposable, like you're a sinner for choosing to believe in something else.

Not that I know what that something else is. I do know though, that it has to be a place where we embrace our differences. Where we love each other despite any differences of opinion, race, sexual orientation, religious beliefs. A place that makes us feel safe enough to care again.

Max says hi.

Sullivan out.