Tuesday, 26 July 2016

First cut is the deepest

I would have given you all of my heart. But there's someone who's torn it apart. And they've taken almost all that I've got. If you want I'll try to love again, baby I'll try to love again but I know the first cut is the deepest. I improvised that a bit. Cat Stevens wrote that I think but Sheryl Crow did a pretty good cover.

I was out with some friends the other night and they were like, you hardly ever write anymore. And they're right.

"When it comes to being lucky she's cursed"

It's true. No matter how hard I try in life, things keep going wrong. I don't want to write about those things. I'm going to take a break from this for now and come back if things ever turn around.

Sullivan out. For now : )

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

More than Friends

I haven't been feeling well since Friday. The worst thing about being single and sick is there's no one to hold your hair back while you throw up. There's no one to make you soup. There's no one to hold your hand when you're so tired and you start crying. There's no one to take your dog out when you can't leave the apartment.

I'm lucky enough to have someone who does that for me. He's been here for four days straight taking care of me and Max. He's smart though. As much as we love each other, he'd never date me. I don't blame him. I wouldn't date me either. I always fuck it up.

I love people, I really do. But I don't trust you. I'll push you away. I'll find some way to ruin the relationship. And it's not your fault. You are probably perfectly lovely.

He brought me this today to cheer me up:

I've had a picture of Uma in Kill Bill on my mirror in my bedroom for years. Then I bought the same sword she had and put it on the wall. Why do I still feel so helpless? I've been wearing my "courage" pin as if perhaps I'm in the Wizard of Oz and if I just put it on it will make me courageous.

I guess even when I was married, he never took care of me. I slept all day today and I'm feeling better. Maybe I couldn't Kill Bill but I can appreciate my "more than a friend" who got me through the past few days. I may never really be with anyone. I will probably end up alone.

My dad and stepmom had their 30th anniversary today. She told me once that every time she hears his truck pulling into the driveway, her heart beats faster. I hope I feel that way someday about someone.

I'm going to burn some sage and try to erase the sickness and negativity from my apartment.

Sullivan out.

Monday, 11 July 2016

Night Terrors

Sometimes I'm happy I'm getting sort of old. Not that I have it all figured out. I spent the weekend with my most precious girlfriend. She seems to have it all figured out. Handsome, kind, wonderful husband? Check. Lovely home? Check. Pursuing her passion in life? Check.

We were both raised in and then left the JWs. She did more of a swan dive while I was a belly flop. But we had very different experiences. I was older, I had to get divorced. I did the back and forth with them for a lot longer. We've always had each other though since I got out and for our entire lives before that except for a couple of brief hiccups.

I'm still trying to rid myself of the little hell I live in, despite the fact that I think my life is great. I'm happy every day. And grateful. My subconscious and my nightmares won't catch up though.

I'm off work and I was cleaning my flat and I realized I'm a hoarder. I have every letter, every card, every picture I've ever received. I've thrown out 7 bags of garbage today. Some of them, even though I don't talk to those people, even though I don't see them, I still can't get rid of them. Every year more and more go away but it's possible when I die, someone is going to have to throw out a box of letters from someone I used to know.

Maybe that's why I still dream about them. Maybe that's why apparently I have bad karma. Maybe my heart is just too big for this and I was in it too long. Lately, my heart is expanding and letting new people in. I hope they will take over those old vacant spots.

Someone come and save my life :) Sorry it's all City and Colour songs tonight. :) 

"There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me. From my haunted past comes the daunting task of living with memories." ~ City and Colour

Sullivan out.

Saturday, 2 July 2016

Living on a Prayer

I've had a lot of roomates over the years. Monique was pretty long term, on and off. I lived with my ex-husband for seven years. My brother and sister both came to live with me 3 or 4 times each. My ex-boyfriend lived here for awhile. My friends in in-between stages of life (break-ups, job losses, looking for a new place to live) always know they could crash at mine for awhile.

I don't love the mess and all the extra stuff in my apartment, but I do enjoy the company. :)

Spencer was different. I didn't realize that when you bail someone out of jail, you are immediately responsible for them and they have to live with you.

Me at the courthouse: Can I talk to him?

Them: No.

Me: Okay, can you please go ask him if there is anyone else he can call?

Them when they got back: He said no.

Me: Give me the papers to sign.

Now, I knew he hadn't done anything wrong and it was all just a misunderstanding. Spencer is a great guy. He's one of my best friends now after almost two years together. He's moving out this weekend. It's time for me to just be Margaux again. Spencer said he's sure he'll come over to visit and I'll have one of the homeless people from the park across the street living on my couch. I'm gonna miss him. :)

Spencer - thank you for everything. I thought I was going to save you but you've saved me so many times over the past couple of years. All those trips to the hospital when you waited with me and took me home. All the times you would go out and buy me smokes because my anxiety was bad and I couldn't leave the apartment. All our Monday nights watching Game of Thrones. All the times you held my hand while I cried. All the days you put up with me playing one song over and over on repeat while I tried to write something. All the nice meals you cooked. That one time I got really drunk with Lindsay and you had to come pick me up. I can always count on you.

Spencer is the one who everyone in my family and at my work calls when things go wrong and they need to check up on me. He knows everyone in my life and keeps them updated when I can't. He has been such an awesome "dad" to Max. When the dog got dumped on me, I wasn't ready for that at all. Of course I kept him, because that's what I do. I have Spencer to thank though that he's so well adjusted, well trained and well behaved. And for helping me lug home all those ridiculously heavy bags of dog food.

We all need help once in awhile. We're living on a prayer sometimes. I believe in karma and if I do my part to help others, someone will always be there when it's the other way around. Spence and I are family now. I'm so happy he's just moving a few blocks away. I love you darling. Stay gold pony boy. xo

Sullivan out.