Saturday, 25 June 2016

Pull & Push

My last blog about what happened in Orlando was very serious and despite the hate that has raised up, despite the friends and allies who have come forward with their support, there's really nothing that makes it make any sense. Bottom line, the world has to change. I can't do that though.

What I can do is be a little less serious for once and tell you a story. :)

Me to my girlfriend: If I write a blog about how my dog and I are essentially the same person, will people think I'm crazy?

Her: Definitely yes. Send it to me first.

Not gonna happen Lindsay. Max and I are both outcasts. Orphans. A little bit clumsy, a little bit too trusting, a little bit too attention deprived. A little bit too dramatic. (Dramatic is the right word, right Lindsay?) A little bit too cute. :)

He's so sweet and such a lover. He never barks (except at me), is never aggressive and loves everyone - cats, dogs, people.

Last night he got hit by a car. Totally my fault and I haven't been able to stop crying over it yet. I didn't have him on a leash. I always brag to people that my dog doesn't need to be on a leash, because he's so good. And he is. But he's a dog. Some kids were driving way too fast and boom! they hit him. I was running into the street after him, I guess it's a good thing I'm not fast enough because then I'd be in the hospital too.

$800 later, he is okay. Bruised and bloodied but okay. He's bandaged up and wearing the cone of shame but it could have been much, much worse. It's probably a good thing I never had those kids I wanted because if I can't even keep a dog safe, I'm sure I would be an unfit parent.

He does this thing where he comes up and growls in my face. Then he barks at me. Then he gives me a kiss. I do the same thing with people. I love someone, so I push them away. I'm always scared of getting hurt again. I'm working on that.

The pull and push is a balance I'm still working out. I'm kinda sorta maybe seeing someone now and I have to remind myself all the time to just take it one day at a time. The push doesn't work out well for either person. The pull needs to be gradual. Organic.

Max is right to be a little bit untrusting of the world. It's not always a safe place. But in all his bad luck and mine, we are both so lucky to have people who love us, take care of us and keep us safe.

Clap your hands if you believe in fairies! Max could use some positive energy from y'all right now. :)

Sullivan out.

Tuesday, 14 June 2016


I don't watch the news. It's too depressing. Sure, I keep up enough with that's happening in the world, but I don't need the constant reminder that things are not how they should be.

The past couple of days though, I can't stop. And I can't stop crying. What happened in Orlando is beyond sad. Anderson Cooper gave an emotional tribute to the victims. They were so young.

When I came out of the Jehovah's Witnesses, got shunned and ostracized, where my sins where broadcasted to everyone I ever knew, with no hope of redemption until I fell back into line, it was the LGBT community that embraced me.

They understood what it was like to be punished for just being who you really are. Some of them had understanding friends and family when they came out. Others were shunned like I was.

The first friend I ever had here on the outside was a lesbian. She picked me up and loved me even in my imperfect, damaged state. Some of the people I love the most now and consider to be my "family" are gay. I don't care about their sexual orientation. They don't care about mine.

True love transcends all of those things that divide people: race, religion, sexual orientation, social status. Love is love. And I feel sorry for the people who don't see it that way. Who choose to hate, who choose to love conditionally, who choose to hurt good people for the sake of their own prejudices.

One of the victims of the shooting was a mom, who chose to go out that night to support her gay son. He survived, she didn't. It's tragic. But at least he will always know that he was loved, accepted and supported by the woman who loved him so much.

I'm not sure if humanity is going to survive. But if we are, we need to change. Right now.

Once I got myself reinstated with the JWs my mother kept asking me to come back. I said to her, What about Liz? I had never had a real friend before. How could I go back to the false friends and leave her behind just because she's gay.

I am proud to be an ally. I go to all the Pride events. The charity events. I dance in gay nightclubs. I love them all as much as I love anyone else. I don't see color or politics or religious denomination or sexual orientation. I just see good and bad.

What happened in Florida was very, very bad. And I don't pray but I will today. My thoughts, love and prayers go out to all the victims, their families and their loved ones.

Life is short. Be kind.

Sullivan out.

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Bird by Bird

I know what you're going to say and you're right. I haven't written anything lately. I think I have writer's block. So instead I've spent countless hours coloring this picture for you and reading this book on writing. But my ADD must have set in and I doubt I'll finish either of them anytime soon, so it is what it is and "you're welcome"!

Y'all should actually just be happy that the entire bird isn't black. That was an option. I don't really feel like that anymore. For people who struggle with depression and anxiety the darkness comes and goes. For me, it's still here sometimes, it might never go away. But with more and more of us being open, building a community where we feel comfortable talking about our struggle and then also celebrating our successes, together we are making progress.

Don't doubt that and don't feel like you're alone. What I've learned is that sometimes we're in the light. We use those times to shine it on others who might need a little help. When we're in the darkness and they are in the light, they'll return the favour.

Yes, that coffee mug does say " Write like a Motherfucker" in the shape of a heart. It was a gift from someone I dearly love. Another friend bought me the coloring book. My friends get me.

And I would totally recommend the book: Bird by bird written by Anne Lamott if you're looking for some writing tips.

Also, if anyone wants to buy me a pencil sharpener that would be awesome. I don't even know where to get one. It's 2016. Do people still have pencil sharpeners? :)

Have yourself an awesome day. And be kind. Everyone you know is fighting their own battle.

Sullivan out.

Sunday, 5 June 2016

Thinking Out Loud

Cab driver: Please don't cry in my car.

And I'm thinking there's probably a lot more terrible people you could pick up in the middle of the night. Drunk people who throw up in your car. I'm not and I'm paying you. I just want to go home and I'm sorry I'm crying.

Roomate: What are you doing home?

Me: I live here. I'm allowed to come home if I want to.

This is why I don't date. It's horrible. And not even worth it. What has caring about people ever gotten me except for a hundred broken hearts? People suck. Get a dog. They're always happy when you come home.

I keep thinking my life is just going to turn out like some romantic movie. But deep down I know it doesn't work like that. Only for a few, only for the lucky. Which I am definitely not. I've always been terribly unlucky. Which is weird because I'm the kinda girl that people want to be friends with.

I really liked this guy. I actually put a lot of effort into this date. Spent a lot of money getting prettied up. Guess he just wasn't the one. Better to find out a month in than a year later.

He wasn't a random though, he was an old friend. Which is why I didn't want to go down this road. I second guessed it more times than I can count. But are you really living life if you don't take those chances?

Wayne Gretzy says you miss 100% of the shots you don't make. He's right on that one. :)

Single forever, Sullivan out.