Friday, 20 May 2016

Oceans

My therapist is not conventional. That's why I love him. I've had a couple of days off work. Apparently I didn't notice I had accumulated 6 and a half weeks of vacation and I'm screwed.

I would like to go home to see my family, they've all been having a bit of a rough time lately. But Linda (the artist formerly known as my mother) is going to be there. So it's a no-go on that one.

I've been struggling a bit with a decision. I actually kinda like this guy. Not a random, an old friend. It's on the table right now. Y'all know I don't date.

So I'm talking to Ross today and he's like you have to decide. Do you try it out and potentially get hurt? Or do you walk away and regret that later? And then he's like walk across the room. Make a decision before you hit the wall.

I've spent the past 6 years building walls and covering them with barbed wire to keep people out. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the people in my life. I have the best friends I've ever had. But I don't let myself love them too much. Because then I could get hurt. Again.

I didn't need to walk all the way across the room to make a decision. :)

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. But the past couple of weeks I felt happy again. I take everything too seriously but I've been told by a very good friend that "perfection is the enemy of the good".

Maybe we can survive the ocean. Maybe I need to let some walls down. I've made a lot of mistakes but I don't think this will be one of them.

Sullivan out.




Saturday, 14 May 2016

I love you like XO

Here's your Saturday morning song.

In the darkest night I'll search through the crowd. Your face is all that I see, I'll give you everything. I love you like XO.   - John Mayer

John Mayer is an asshole but he's right. We don't have forever. This blog might not be the greatest because I've been up all night. #CAMH #OneBraveNight

I've spent the last seven years chasing for, crying over lost love from people I wanted to keep. Maybe though, love shouldn't be this hard. My best friend says that it should be organic. Let it grow. That's what happened with the two of us. We don't always get along but we always stay together.

Daylight is wasting. It's time to get real. There has been a few health issues in my family lately and honestly, I haven't been on my game because I've been so stressed about that. I realized something. We need to focus on the people who love us back, not the ones who don't. The ones who are there for us no matter what. Unconditional love is rare in our day. But since I left the Jdubs, I've been finding it everywhere.

Last night was about supporting people who suffer from mental health issues. I've been there and maybe I will be again. At the moment though, I have a dog I didn't want, a bunch of friends I never would have picked in my past life and a family who I didn't pay much attention to when I was in the cult.

And I couldn't be happier that they are the ones who saved me.

I love you like XO. :)

Sullivan out.



Wednesday, 11 May 2016

Being Brave

Re-post! I thought this was relevant considering the fact that I am going to attempt to stay up all night on Friday for CAMH's One Brave Night event. Y'all know I have to work all week and then try to stay awake all night. We're raising money to support the organization that supports those living with mental health issues. A lot of brave people have dealt with depression and we can get better if we do the hard work to get there. But we need a little help along the way. :)

There's still time to donate - this is the link! Click click! Ps. If you do donate please buy me a sleep pass. For $20 I can sleep for an hour. :)

I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave. 
- E. M. Forster

Courage is a quality that is difficult to develop, because it forces you to look in the mirror and realize who you are and then have the balls to go out there and be better than that.

I know many courageous people. And being brave doesn't mean we always succeed. (Game of Thrones taught us all that fact.) Sometimes it just means we take on a task, not knowing if we'll be good at it or not. Not knowing the outcome. Maybe we even think we will fail. But we show up and try.

This happens in careers, in families, in relationships, in finding peace of mind, in overcoming addictions, in ending a relationship that's not working and being alone again, in confronting an important ex, in applying for a job you know you won't get, in pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and meeting someone new, in telling your family the truth about who you are, in telling someone you love them when you aren't sure they will say it back. In being true to yourself.

But we find courage and bravery in that part of ourselves that we didn't know we had and do it anyway.

If we were never brave, no one would make friends, become lovers, get married, have children, follow their dreams, because we could fail. Sometimes it's our mistakes that shape our future and, in the end, make us successful.

And hey, at the end of the day, if our attempt at being courageous doesn't work, we have a friend who will give us a hug, a dog who will sleep at our feet, and maybe even a glass of wine to sip as we look out the window of our fabulous but very expensive downtown apartment and think about how to wake up tomorrow and try to be brave all over again.

Sullivan out.

Sunday, 8 May 2016

Mother's Day 2016

I have a couple of girlfriends who have lost their mothers. This morning they were like, stay off FaceBook today. All those posts of everyone's pictures of them happy with mom. Talking about how much love is in that relationship.

I love my mum. Sure, she raised me in a crazy cult. But she tried her best. Linda didn't have the greatest life. I'm sure it wasn't easy being a single mom. She used to sew us homemade dresses because we didn't have a lot of money. But we looked fancy. :)

I think I turned out mostly Sullivan. But there are some things I have that are Linda. She is a great vintage shopper. We eat organic and mostly vegetarian. She has a great laugh. I have the same hands as her. We are in love with flowers. I am honestly starting to forget her. It's been seven years of my back and forth with the JWs and apparently time does cure everything.

She visits a lot when I'm asleep. I'm not sure whether to say they are dreams or nightmares. But she always says the same thing. That she hates me for the choices I've made in life.

My choices in life have not fulfilled the expectations of either of my parents. I'd like to think though that if I had been lucky enough to have kids, I would have loved them no matter what. And maybe my job now is just to be the kind of friend so many other people have been to me: my stepmom, my aunts, my grandma. I have a lot of totally awesome moms.

Happy Mother's Day Linda. I'm not comparing myself to what my girlfriends have gone through but losing your mom while you're both still alive over some stupid religion? It hurts. Despite that, I love you. :)