Sunday, 27 March 2016

Second Sight

What is reality?

You don't know either do you? What if, we could enhance what we see and figure that out? That's the premise for his book.  I think I'm a pretty good judge of character. Sometimes I make mistakes though. That's probably why I'm still single :)

I met an author yesterday and he is really interesting. Me? I just write about my silly sex and the city/I hate Jehovah's Witnesses life. I don't really understand how people are able to come up with these elaborate stories in their head. I'm a writer, I'm in my head all the time. I wish me and my head could take a break. Not a break-up, just a break.

I used to be able to do that. Make up stories. My fifth grade teacher pulled me aside one day and said my story was so good that I should try to publish it. But then I forget how to do anything for myself. It was all about everyone else.

While I figure out the best way to write this story, which will probably take me all day and maybe tomorrow too, here's a sneak peek. And if you like this, there's another book coming.

Sullivan out.

Saturday, 26 March 2016

Used to Love You

Saturday morning song anyone? Click here. "I don't know why I cry but I think it's cause I remember for the first time since I hated you that I used to love you." - Gwen Stefani

Poor girl. That guy cheated on her so many times. I honestly can't understand why we aren't capable of just flicking a switch and turning our hearts off when people hurt us. That would be convenient.

My dad is very opposed to anger and resentment. But I think it's a phase we all have to go through. Fortunately, if you do all the hard work, you get past that. I wouldn't use "hate" as the word that has been part of my journey. HURT is better. Resentment? Yes, I've been there.

This week was the Memorial. The JWs don't celebrate anything, except that night. You know the one where Jesus has his last dinner with his apostles before he dies? Forget Christmas, Easter, anything enjoyable. Let's celebrate a murder. That's fun for kids.

Did I think about going to the memorial and drinking the wine and eating the bread and watching them all being horrified that a known apostate was in their midst claiming to be one of the anointed - that special 144,000 who are apparently the only ones going to heaven? Yes. At the end of the day though, as much as I loved/hated those people, it was more fun hanging out at home with my dog.

I get that some people still believe in Jesus and I respect that. Lots of people like to believe in Santa Claus. Whatever makes you happy.

I met up with a girl I found here on this blog last night. She was lovely. Damaged like me from our upbringing as JWs. The great thing though is they can't break us. They can try. They can rip our families away. They can make us depressed. They can make us alone. But only for a little while. :)

Then we find our tribe. We find each other. We find people who will love all our crazy and messed-up-ness. And with each of us who make a stand against them, we grow stronger. I've said it a million times. It's not the people. It's the money-hungry, brainwashing organization I'm against.

My therapist asks me sometimes if I regret being so open and honest on here and telling the truth. Yes, it scares potential boyfriends away. When I got disfellowshipped, I was completely alone. I couldn't find anyone to talk to. So when I decided to write this blog, I knew I was alienating the people I loved so much because speaking out against the organization is the worst sin you could ever commit.

I could have done it anonymously. I decided not to. I wanted my name out there so that anyone who was going through what I went through alone would have someone to reach out to. Who would understand where they were coming from. That's why AA is effective. They've all been through the exact same experience. They understand each other. And now, thanks to this blog, I've connected with so many people. Some of them are my friends now. I don't feel alone anymore. Those people I used to love? I hope they wake up someday and realize that they're pushing lies on innocent people. If they don't, then I hope they are happy living that way. I wasn't.

I'm happy now though. :)

Sullivan out.

Sunday, 13 March 2016

Love Yourself

"You think I'm crying on my own but I ain't. And I didn't want to write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care, I don't." - Justin Bieber

What you don't like that song? I think he's coming along. :)

Happy Spring everyone! Y'all know I'm a new beginnings junkie. While, like everyone else I hate losing that extra hour of sleep, it's so exciting to start something new, yet again. :)

This past week has been monumental for me. Making the decision to disassociate myself from the JWs was difficult. To me though, this is a cause for celebration. I have never felt so free. So in control of my life. So proud of myself and the strong person I've become. 

That's why I have to address a rumour. 

This is my fault. I've been so open on here about the journey I've been through. That I've dealt with anxiety and depression. That I attempted suicide. I've done those things because I think we need to break down stigmas. We need to educate people on mental health issues. We need to let people know that it's okay to talk about it, to get the help you need. And they need to know it's something you can overcome. 

My therapist told me he thought I should get a samurai sword. That it would make me feel more empowered. I keep meaning to take some classes to learn how to use it but I've been lazy. The other weekend my friends were over and I wanted to show them how sharp it is. It's the same one Uma has in Kill Bill, just in red. :)

I'm a clutz. As I was taking it off the wall, I dropped it. I have a very deep cut on my wrist. I probably should have got stitches. But I was with my ex-boyfriend who thinks everything can be cured by just putting ice on it. The good part? I proved my point on how it IS a real sword and very sharp. The bad part? Everyone thinks I tried to kill myself again. I get people grabbing my wrist, asking me to get help. Talking about me behind my back. The reason I don't cover it up is because it heals better this way and I have NOTHING to hide. It was just an accident people!

Besides, as someone who has tried to kill themselves once, I know you don't cut it that way. You have to cut it the other way. And both wrists, not just one. So y'all can calm down. If you really don't believe me, I'll give you my friends phone numbers and you can ask them. 

I would never leave my dog. Or let you guys down who've stuck with me over the years. And I'm not depressed. I'm just a clumsy person with a sword. 

Let's end this on a fun note. I have a huge crush on my new neighbour. I'm terrible with names though, so when I ran into him in the hall yesterday I didn't know what to say because I can't remember his name. So I just said "Get that guy Max! Attack!" Of course Max would never hurt a flea but he ran over to him. The really handsome guy decided to take the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator with us. He's probably also sick of listening to Justin Bieber through my walls. Yes, I will be single forever. :)

I finally love myself though, so if that's the only romance I get now, I'm fine with that. :)

Sullivan out. (But not because I'm home trying to off myself!)

Saturday, 12 March 2016

After the Rain

Yes, I am starting to recycle blog titles. Thanks for asking. 

Titles are the hardest part. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my book title.  I will probably spend more time figuring that out than I do writing this goddamn book.

Y'all know I'm not talking about anything except my leaving the Jdubs for awhile. This week is always going to be one of the most important weeks of my life. I feel tired and alone. Not because I'm actually alone. I'm honestly way too busy. But alone because no one really understands. They are extremely, lovingly supportive and they try. Even with my ex-jw friends though, we've all had different experiences. And for sure my "worldly" friends don't get it at all.

I had dinner with my lovely ex-boyfriend last night. You know I love my exs. I have four requirements in a boyfriend: love my dog, be a good cook, force me to eat and live within walking distance of my apartment. Apart from that I don't care if you makes lots of money or you don't. Just be kind and fill the first four slots.

He was always too good for me. He's a doctor. Everyone in his family are doctors. They all love each other and take cute pictures together. He asked the same question last night that I've been asked over and over again. Why don't I just stop speaking out against the JWs and then maybe I can work things out with my absent family. Two people. Who I love. But then there's so many others. People who I've met and haven't met in person who talk to me. Who tell me that me speaking out helps them. They say I say the words they can't.

You know I wax poetic on here. I tell everyone things will get better. That we can be happy outside of the organization. And we do, and we can. And for us on the outside, this is absolutely what we need to do. But I'll be honest. I think it's always going to hurt. I read all of you too. Your posts. Your suffering. Just know you're not alone. I have a wonderful life that I'm actually proud of. People I love dearly. But that past life? The people we lost? It's always going to hurt us. And some days are better than others.

I will never understand why this happened to us. Why we were raised on hate, guilt and feeling like we were never good enough. The world is as tired and scared as I am. We can make a difference though. I used to think I knew what I was fighting for. Now I know for sure. It's for all of us.

Sullivan out.

Wednesday, 9 March 2016


"When I grow old, I'll drink and smoke like I did when youth stayed, youth stayed until the second round." - Jack Garratt

I made a decision. I've been called out on this blog for being an advocate for ex-jehovah's witnesses while I am technically still one. While I don't believe in cyber-bullying, they were right. I went back for my mother and my sister. Who have consistently proved they want nothing to do with me unless I shut up and get in line. I love them long can you wait for people to decide they love you? It's been 7 years.

So here is my letter to the Watchtower. I wrote it to my elder. My cards are still in the possession of my old congregation. If you were ever a Jehovah's Witness you will know they have cards. With all your personal information. How many hours you spent in field service. How many magazines you handed out. Deeply personal information on how you fucked up. Detailed notes. On one hand, I hate doing this. On the other, I have to.

Dear Walter and Karen,

I hope you are doing well. I miss you both. Words can't express the love I feel for you. You've been role models and an extra set of parents since I was 18. Remember how in the summers after we went in service Walter just wanted to get a milkshake from McDonalds for lunch instead of a real meal before the meeting?

We had very good times together. Memories I will cherish until I die. Walter, we've been back and forth on this for ages. I've asked you why you won't just disfellowship me. I'm the biggest apostate Canada has ever seen. I've reached millions of people with this story. I wanted you to make the decision for me.

So that when Linda and Erin eventually die, I wouldn't have to walk into a room and be shunned. The thing is, despite you not getting rid of me again, that's what's going to happen anyways. I've asked you why I'm not disfellowshipped. There was no answer. But I know what it is. You know I had an abusive husband. You know how my baby elders who handled my first disfellowshipping cause messed it all up by being arrogant and ignorant and mean.

And you love me as much as I love you and Karen. You didn't want to put me through that again. I'm finally ready to take that step on my own. I would like to disassociate myself from the Jehovah's Witnesses. The choice I made to sign up at 12 years old was not worth the suffering I've gone through since then.

I'm finally happy with my life and the people in it. I will always wish you were included in them.

Please make the announcement at the next meeting. I'm weathered from the fight but I'll be fine.

With love always,

Saturday, 5 March 2016

Count on Me

"If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea, I'll sail the world to find you. If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see, I'll be the light to guide you. We find out what we're made of when we are called to help our friends in need. You can count on me like 1,2,3 I'll be there. And I know when I need it I can count on you like 4,3,2 and you'll be there because that's what friends are supposed to do."- Bruno Mars

This is your perfect Sunday morning song. I know I say that a lot. :)

I have had the lucky opportunity to meet some amazing people at my job. For the sake of anonymity I won't name names. Those two know who they are. When I started this new job I felt really stupid. My performance manager and I used to call it my made up bullshit job. I was the one who started that.

It turned out to not be true. I'm finally feeling like I'm an asset to the team instead of a liability. There is nothing I can do to repay the kindness I've been afforded. They've watched me go from a suicidal girl to someone they can actually be proud of.

When things went down with my sisters wedding last February, I literally felt my heart shattering inside me. And that's not being dramatic. It's true. Fortunately I work for a company that practices what they preach. They realize that mental health issues are as important as physical illness. And they bet on me being the kind of person who could go from that to being someone who they could count on. And they can. I will do anything to prove that I'm worth their trust, their support, their faith in me.

My family will always hold power over me and how I feel about myself. These guys are my family too now. Sometimes family is just some random people you meet along the way. When my boss told me the other day he was proud of me I almost cried. I don't get a lot of positive reinforcement.

I have enough people though that believe in me and I can count on them. And they can count on me :)

Sullivan out.

Friday, 4 March 2016

Forever 27

I missed my birthday blog. I haven't been feeling well. I had a great birthday weekend though. Lots of dog park time. Which is perfect.

My friends and family are all trained. I turn 27 every year on February 27th. So all my cards say Happy 27th! This year though, I feel too damn young to feel this old.

I've laboured over this blog. I've written it, deleted it and re-written it so many times in my head. Us writers are a strange breed who walk around talking to ourselves and writing in notebooks. It's just a birthday, I know. And age is just a number. But I'm always honest with y'all so...this was my last birthday in my 30s. But 40 is the new 30 right? I'm still pretty. :)

And I finally feel like I know who I am, what I want out of life and what I don't want. I couldn't get all my friends together last Saturday night so I celebrated for a week. Dalyse took me to a Blue Rodeo concert. Lindsay took me shopping. Robin took me to the dog park. Jay and Spencer sang Happy Birthday while I blew out the candles on my cake.

I have the most amazing friends. I'm happy with my job. I still feel like I'm playing catch-up with life, after all those years I spent slaving for the JWs. But the Universe has been kind to me.

I've been married to a great, handsome guy. I've been madly in love after that. I've lost so many people that I love so much, but I've found something that I think will ground me for the second half of my life. I love myself. I've been volunteering more lately and I feel like perhaps I'm actually making a difference again. Although the corporate life can be taxing, I'm in a position where I've made so many relationships, I can leverage their support to help these causes that I care about.

I feel like I've lived 3 different lives so far. This one is the scariest. But it's also my favorite. I've learned a lot living on the outside of my past life. I've learned how to trust again, how to love again. How to start over from absolutely nothing - no home, no money, no friends - and accept the help that I used to be too proud to take.

As a Jehovah's Witness being part of "the world" was the worst thing. I thought I might save the world when I was one of them.  In the end though, the world saved me. And now I'm strong enough to start trying to do that again. I'm a bit weathered from the fight but that's okay.

I know now that we shouldn't judge others. That none of us are better than anyone else. That we need to erase stigmas. That mental health issues are real. That we are all fighting a hard battle, so let's just be kind. I've come a long way from where I began. The journey continues...

Sullivan out.