Thursday, 25 February 2016

Spoiler Alert!

My absolutely lovely ex-boyfriend has been on me lately about my writing. Yes, I've been ignoring it. I have half a book written but it's terrible. In the past five years I'd like to think I've improved???

He bought me this for my birthday:



So tonight I ditched the last book and started over. Here's a sneak preview. Thoughts on how it opens?

It’s always windy on the ferry but the sun feels warm on my face. It’s a beautiful day for a boat ride between PEI and Nova Scotia. I don’t want to be here. I pulled out the book Adam gave me before I left Toronto. It was his favorite. I threw it overboard. Then I took out the journal. We had exchanged notebooks so we could still talk to each other whenever we wanted to, even while we were apart. I threw that over too. I watched each book get sucked under the current and disappear.

When we were little, my mother used to tell us that the current from the moving boat was so strong that if we fell over the side, we’d get sucked right underneath and no one would be able to help us. It kept us from climbing the railings. I’m not sure if it was ever true, but it seemed to be working so far.

I was planning that the next thing to go overboard would be me. My travel bag was heavy. I could swim but I was hoping that under the weight of my bag I would just get sucked under the boat before anyone really noticed. I felt bad for my Grandma, she is always waiting so loyally on the other side for me to show up. There would be some confusion back and forth, calling my dad, asking him if I missed the boat. Until they all realized I was gone.

I was waiting to jump for a gap in between all the tourists taking pictures and people strolling around eating ice cream when someone approached me. “Are you okay dear?” she asked sweetly. I just glared at her. This was out of character for me. I’ve always been polite, a people pleaser. I just didn’t care anymore. I looked away. Why won’t she leave me alone?

She knelt down and put her hand on my shoulder. “You know, sometimes life can be very hard. Things get better though.” Stop touching me is all I could think. “I know it might not feel like that now. But you’re not alone. I love you. And I’ll be right over there if you need anything.”

Then she walked away. But she stayed there watching me the rest of the trip. I have no idea why this lovely woman would come up and say those things to the saddest, angriest, most unapproachable person on the boat. With a sigh, I realized my suicide attempt would have to wait for another day. Someone, something out there wanted me to get to the other side. And I have. It’s been a long journey though. This would not be the first or last time I almost gave up. Or the last time someone else has saved my life. 

Sullivan definitely not out yet. :)

Sunday, 21 February 2016

Kryptonite

I know what you're thinking. And you're right. Two blogs in one day? It's like Christmas came in February. :)

I realized something this morning after I posted my blog. While I was talking about silly boy things, I didn't realize today is the anniversary of my sister's wedding. I'm one year out on that one. And I'm doing great. If by doing great it means that I'm loving my dog, my job, my volunteer work, my friends. I don't want to jinx this but I've hit the sweet spot.

I remember the year that I forgot my Big loves birthday for the first time. It took until the next day for it to sink it. His power over me was running low. Apparently so is the power my family holds over me.

This time last year, I was a broken person. It was worse than the first time. Spending all those years trying to work my way back to my mother and sister, while still trying to be honest and true to myself. I thought I had hit the sweet spot that time. I had both.

When Erin came over (and Erin is a super long story of me being more of a mom than a big sister for most of our life) the week before her wedding and uninvited me...I'm not being dramatic. I literally felt my heart breaking inside of me. I thought she was coming over to talk about some last minute wedding plans.

I asked her nicely to leave, waited until she would have been out of the building. I was in a good place 10 minutes before that. Then I started screaming. Crying. I ripped up the wedding invitation and threw it in the garbage. I tried to check myself into the hospital so I wouldn't try anything stupid again.  I was disappointed in her and my mother. But I was mostly disappointed in me. That I trusted them yet again. That I ever believed they would just love me for who I am. Which is NOT one of Jehovah's Witnesses.

Thankfully, I could take some time off work and go home to the rest of my family who is always there for me and get better.

I had brunch with a very dear friend this morning, also an outsider now but his family never cut him off. I can't even explain in words how comforting it is to be with the people who knew both old and new Margaux. And love her regardless. He asked me if I was going to be quieter and see if I can get my family back when I'm not openly speaking out against the jdubs.

No.

I love, love, love my family. They are my kryptonite though. I just smiled and said "I'm just getting started". Between this blog and the interview I did I've reached millions of people. The message transcends religion. If you are in any situation where you are being controlled, manipulated, abused: get out. It's fucking hard. But worth the fight. Get rid of your kryptonite. It just slows you down.

My girlfriend brought me this from Japan. I framed it and hung it on the wall immediately. I'm the one alone in the canoe in the storm. I have a good canoe and I can swim. I'll be fine. As far as the family goes, I miss you guys. And I don't.

Sullivan out.

Ps. I'm really sorry to that guy I broke up with on text message today. It's been brought to my attention that I'm a huge asshole. I like to think I'm a nice girl with asshole tendencies...



Thinking Out Loud

This is a link to your perfect Sunday morning song. Is there anyone out there not in love with Ed Sheeran right now?

I've had an awesome weekend. My girlfriend got us tickets to Blue Rodeo, my favorite band on Friday night. They always play in Toronto within a week of my birthday, every February. They are always amazing.

I babysat my other girlfriends dog yesterday. If there's anything better than being at the beach in February with two dogs on Saturday morning, I don't know what that is.

My ex took us all out to the beach, despite the wreckage to his backseat with all the mud and paw prints. Then we went to the market, got a frame for the picture my girlfriend brought me from Japan. I was watching him trying to hang my newest favorite piece of art. Then he came with me to my friends place to help her rearrange her furniture on Saturday night. And I realized something.

I had to break up with the guy I've been seeing. I know birthdays are just an age. But at my age (which is definitely not 27) I know what I want. And what I don't want. Nice, handsome guys are a dime a dozen. I would know, I've dated dozens of them. :)

Maybe I'll never feel the way I felt with "The One". There's only one the one right? But if I can't be madly in love again, maybe that's not a bad thing. My therapist thinks the sweet spot that I'm in now is a good thing. We were talking about it on Friday. I love my life. And all the people in it. There's no one though who could decide to walk away tomorrow and it would destroy me the way he did. And then my sister and my mom did. Over and over again.

New guy is a nice guy. And Lindsay thinks it was a bad move to break up with him over text. But seriously, if a guy never called you a phone call would be weird. And how many of them have broken up with us over text?

My ex is an ex for a reason. But he's also one of my best friends. And isn't that an important factor in the equation? Yes, the passion and lust and all that is nice. At the end of the day, the guy who helps you make your home better, who supports you even when you're making mistakes, who cuddles you when you sleep, who believes in you even when you lose your way is the one I would prefer to grow old with. Even just as friends. :)



Sunday, 14 February 2016

My Funny Valentine

"To love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance." - Oscar Wilde

Before y'all go getting all excited, no I do not have a boyfriend. I have however been on two dates in the past week with the same guy and I think he'll be back for a third so that's progress for me. Not that I'm opposed to having a relationship, things just never seem to work out.

This blog is a shout out to one of the most important men in my life. We dated on and off for awhile but could never really seem to make it stick. We have completely different work schedules. I don't really care for most of his friends. His parents hate me. They call me the "white girl". (Hey, reverse racism is a thing people!)

On top of that, I was a terrible girlfriend. I cheated on him. Twice. I asked him once if we could get back together and he just laughed at me. Despite all of this, he is one of the best, most loyal and longest term friends I have here on the outside of my past life. He likes to call me a motherfucking piece of shit, but it's basically a term of endearment. :)

I honestly would not have made it through the past few years without Jay. Sure, we fight sometimes but I always know if I need him, he'll be there. Right away. No questions asked. He rubs my back when I have panic attacks. I can't tell you how many times he's taken me to the hospital. One time I thought I might actually die. Jay stayed with me all night and all the next day until the doctors figured out how to fix me and then he took me home.

He makes sure I eat. He came with me when I had to put my cat down and we both cried. My dog seems to have as many health crises as I do, and when I can't afford the vet bills he helps me out. He always wins Christmas, he says he wants to make it a happy time for me since I didn't have it growing up. He made up "no pants Sunday" where we would just wear big tshirts and lie around watching Game of Thrones. He's kind and generous and smart. When I was out east last summer he would send me care packages with new clothes because I went out there with a small bag, not knowing how long it would be until I came back.

Jay has been my rock and I hope we're friends until we die. My friends get all excited when I date someone new, because Margaux really doesn't really date all that much. I don't really feel like I need to. We will see how new guy does, but I have so many great guys in my life including my dad, my uncle, my boss, my roomate, some great ex-boyfriends. I bought myself flowers for Valentines Day because I'm actually starting to get the hang of this self-love thing. I wouldn't have made it there though without those men.

So JayJay - happy Valentines Day lovie. I love you  so much, you motherfucking piece of shit. :)

Sullivan out.

Saturday, 6 February 2016

Odd & Imperfect

"I always find beauty in things that are odd and imperfect - they are much more interesting." - Marc Jacobs

I have this book on the go. My non jdub family has always been so Team Margaux. I asked my therapist yesterday what do they want from me in return for all their kindness? What does he want from me? He's been there through all these bad years. First, he slashed his prices in half. Then I ran out of money and he treated me for free. He said he was just one of those guys who stands next to a marathon and gives out cups of water. He helps, but he has no power over the outcome of the race. If we finish it our not.

I asked my cousin about the book, what I should do with it. She said maybe I should wait until I know how it ends. This is how it ends. (Please still buy the book even though I've giving the ending away).

I never could have imagined that a life of sacrifice and devotion to God would have ended up like mine did. Unfortunately there are forces out there that - as much as we try to fight against them - will always win. They have the money, the influence, the power. The JWs will always beat me. It doesn't mean I shouldn't go down fighting. :)

The truth is, this is how this story ends. All the odd and imperfect people out there understand me better than anyone did in that life where we all had to pretend we were perfect all the time. We can be honest. We can be straight or gay. We can be imperfect. We can live in a world where people don't expect you to pay them back for what they did for you as long as you're kind and you pay it forward.

Will I ever meet a guy who will look over my past and think I'm worth investing in despite that? Who knows. But I have reconnected with so many people that in that past life, I couldn't have been friends with. Because I had to judge their lifestyles. My happy ending is, I get to not be that person anymore. I went out with my cousins the other night and honestly, there is something about family that just makes you fall in love immediately even if you haven't seen them in a really long time.

I'd pick odd and imperfect any day over fake perfection. So this story is over. If you want to be part of the sequel, let me know. :)

Sullivan out.








Tuesday, 2 February 2016

Disney sing-a-long?

Alright. I've been playing nice but time to be a bad person again. The JWs have gone insane. I realize those old white guys on the Governing Body are probably stressed because of this whole worldwide child abuse cover up scandal they are dealing with, but for your viewing pleasure this is hilarious. It's a video of a singing book cart. It's like something from a Disney movie that we weren't allowed to watch growing up because there was magic in it. Which of course is from Satan and the demons.

Now, in my opinion, as an ex-jw, those bookcarts are from Satan and the demons. I won't get too far into it but they are EVERYWHERE in my hood. It took everything in me not to push them over going back and forth from work. I won't say that I didn't stop when I had a minute to warn whoever was talking to them that they're a dangerous cult. Or tell them to pack up and get off the street. But this singing bookcart? He's actually pretty like-able. Like the singing candlestick from Beauty and the Beast. Who didn't like him?

To make things better, they did this. Apparently, if you sin against the holy spirit (high five all you apostates out there) Jehovah discards the person like "a piece of garbage". Well, hmmm. No wonder our families are afraid to talk to us. Brother whatever his name is made a video and put it on the internet where he poisoned his loaf of bread and threw it in the trash. Because that's what Jehovah wants to happen to us sinners. My first thought was, with all your legal bills on these child abuse scandals, should you really be poisoning and then throwing out perfectly good bread? Might make sense to save some money. :)

Religion is supposed to be about everything they are not - tolerance, love, forgiveness, mercy. Show me a God that preaches that and I'll sign up. In the meantime, my religion is being kind, loving everyone no matter what their religious or life choices are and not spreading hate. I have two Buddhas, two Ganesh and one of those waving Chinese cats. They all have fun names like Fred and Frank and Felix. I wear a Celtic cross around my neck, just because I love it and it makes my mother mad. I've got idolatry down.

So do they. This whole blue jw.org box is their new idol. I hope everyone who goes to that site sees it for what it is. A brainwashing tool with some catchy Disney-ish songs and a whole lot of unkindness buried underneath.

C'mon Watchtower, I know y'all are reading me. Disfellowship me again already. Until you do...I'm still dangerous to you.

Ps. Maybe don't watch the first video. That song gets in your head like Justin Bieber. I laughed literally until I cried. I watched it twice. I'm very embarrassed for them. :)

Sullivan out.