Thursday, 30 October 2014

I'm too old for this Shit

Murtaugh said it best in Lethal Weapon. (click!) "I'm too old for this shit."

That's kinda how I feel tonight, at home, working, doing laundry, fighting with my friend, not talking to a lot of my family. 

We're past the point where drama was fun. It used to be, back in the day. When you're young you thrive on that stuff. Now it's just a headache. My girlfriend has gone through this recently as well, lotsa family drama over things that should just be her choice. 

I get it. We all have a past. We are all insecure. We are all battling the demons that have creeped in over the years. But let's not take it out on each other. For God's sake, can't we all just grow the hell up and get along? 

I always get confused between Lethal Weapon and Die Hard. Probably because they were both movies that I loved but had to watch secretly as a JW. Murtaugh always said he was too old for this shit. But...he kept doing it. 

Bruce Willis always said "yippee ki-yay motherfucker". Two completely different statements that always had exactly the same outcome. :)

I might someday get back to the place where I like to take risks. Where I like drama and the unknown and all the emotions and excitement that comes with that. Right now though, I'm okay with just being me. I'm okay with Thursday nights early in bed, with not dating, with walking away from the people who don't quite fit into my life. 

If you've walked away from everyone once, you can easily walk away from anyone. I'm sorry this isn't an upbeat post. I'm just like you, ups and downs. And today wasn't the best day.  

Friday, 24 October 2014

The Beloved

Well, me and being sick had a good run but like with everything and everyone else, eventually I had to break this relationship off. The tide has finally shifted and I'm back to work full time now. 

It was weird in the beginning. After being through so much and getting so down and low, I was a different person coming back to the office. I lost 25 lbs and that great place that I thought I was at just before I left, where I felt so hopeful that I would become successful at what I wanted to be. No, I just lost that too.

I realized something though. When I'm at work, I want to give it my best. I do not however want that to define me. I am so appreciative of where I am with work and the people I get to see 5 days a week, but there has to be more to life than just that. My family, my friends, my volunteer work. I attach a huge significance to all of those aspects of life as well.  

My boss is a Rockstar. Most people probably couldn't keep up with him even if he was in a coma. He's driven and oh-so-smart. 

He's always looking for ways for our team to be more productive, so he had all of us to do a personality test before I left. Everyone else killed it. Their dominant traits were Power, Prestige, Innovation. They got cool names like "The Change Agent", "The Trendsetter", "The Mastermind", "The Architect". I got "The Beloved". Apparently my dominant traits are being passionate, loyal and sincere. I'm genuine, no hidden agenda. Empathetic. Comforting. Welcoming, accepting, NURTURING. Expressive. Engaging. I could go on but I won't. You get the idea. 

I will never be the boss. I sighed as I printed it off and added it to his pile of profiles on all the better people than me that we have on our team.

By that I mean better at work. I'm not sure how most of them are in their real lives, they all seem pretty great. I'll tell you a secret though, before I took the test, when I was looking over all of the possible outcomes for who I was, as much as I'd love to be a super star, I just wanted to be "The Beloved". That's all I've ever wanted. And I guess I'm okay with it. 

Sullivan out.  

PS. It's Scorpion season. Happy Birthday to all my lovely Scorpios out there. Most of y'all have really hurt my feelings at some point...but I'm stubborn love all the way. Love you!

Sunday, 19 October 2014

I was wrong

Dear readers, 

If you read my last blog, please read this. 

It's been brought to my attention that Rod Stewart did NOT write The First Cut is the Deepest. It was Cat Stevens. Also, if you click the link (just FYI the orange writing is all links) and watch the video you'll see that he was a total babe. 

I'm sorry for emotionally scarring my very good friend Cameron and anyone else out there by getting that wrong. (Jesus, everyone is a critic!) It's just that I'm too young to know that, being 27 and all. 

Also apparently I've never talked about Cam on the blog and that is just adding insult to injury on this whole Rod Stewart/Cat Stevens issue.

Y'all know that I feel so very lucky to have met such wonderful people out here in the real world. The latest additions to my social circle are not only fabulous but they also live within a block or two of me (Cam lives across the street, I can look out my window and into his) which is very key because I don't like to leave my neighbourhood. 

One night at the bar downstairs he decided to friend-pick-me-up. I was walking past him and Robin and he asked me to weigh in on some boy issue she was talking about. He told me later that he just decided we had to be friends and now we are. :)

We're like secret superheroes though because we all have code names. Cam is Cameron the too beautiful, then there's Robin on the fly, then there's me, Margaux Blackbird. I haven't been friends with these two misfits for long, but I absolutely could not imagine my life without them. Cam comes to charity events with me, took me to the hospital when I was sick (and stole my KPMG hat by the way), Robin baked me cookies and loaned me her dog for company when I off work. Cam took me out kayaking on my wedding anniversary this year and didn't even complain that I could come not even close to keeping up with him. 

This is the night Robin accidentally stole my purse with my keys, wallet and phone in it and Spencer had to go running around trying to find her so I wouldn't have to live at the bar forever. (There you go Spencer, you're on the blog now too.) Actually there's a funny story about how Spencer accidentally became my roomate but I'll save that for another time. 

There's a line in that Cat Stevens/Rod Stewart/Sheryl Crow song that says "When it comes to being lucky she's cursed". I said in my last blog that I've always been unlucky. I felt like I could relate to that line. But in reality, it's not true. I've had some difficult challenges to overcome, no doubt. 

Looking at the people I've somehow managed to bring into my life over the past few years, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I would never in a hundred years trade the people in my life now to get the old ones back. I still love them too, this is just a better fit for me. And Cam, I totally completely hope we're friends until we die. Which is hopefully a long, long time from now. And in the meantime, I hope we have lots of adventures I can write fun blogs about. 

Sullivan out. 

*graffiti at our local

Saturday, 18 October 2014

Get the Guy

I would have given you all of my heart. But there's someone who's torn it apart. And she's taken just all that I had, but if you want I'll try to love again, baby, I'll try to love again but I know...the first cut is the deepest. - Rod Stewart

Yes, it's been a cheesy old people music kind of day. I hate to be a complainer but I'm so tired. Never take a few months off work, even if you're really sick because it's so hard to get back into your routine. I just want to take naps and stay home. 

I do however love my neighbourhood. We're all friends here. I went into a store today and the guy working there called me Maggie. Maybe that's what set off my Rod obsession (for all you teenagers out there Maggie May is a very popular Rod Stewart song) but no one has ever really nicknamed me. Okay, not "no one". My little brother calls me Marge. I hate it. My sister calls me Aux. But only one other person has ever called me Maggie, which I'm actually fine with. He was one of the best friends I ever had, who turned out to be one of the worst friends I ever had.

Men. I've always been unlucky, which I knew even though the JWs don't believe in luck. When my ex husband wanted to marry me I told him my bad luck would wear off on him. He considered himself extremely lucky and said no, his good luck would wear off on me. WRONG. 

It seems like everyone I know got engaged this month. I'm happy for all of them. But I have reservations about marriage. I feel like I've been to the puppet show, I've seen the strings. Since my divorce I've tried really hard to put myself back out there. I've dated everyone. Tall, short, slim, chubby, white, black, brunettes, redheads, blondes. 

There have been three guys in my life that I was absolutely crazy about. The rest were nice guys I've been lucky to spend some time with.  I realized in the midst of all this wedding news, I don't know what I want. I thought I wanted to find love again, have a kid. Be a normal person. I'm not normal though. I've given it a good try. It never works out for me. 

Right now, I care about me. My life, my siblings, my job, my friends, my happiness. I'm just a fucked up girl who really doesn't know if she needs or even wants a man anymore. I feel completely complete without one and I'm happy. I have my girls, my gay boys, my lovely ex-boyfriends, my adopted family. I feel surrounded by love and support from the best people in the world. If it happens again, great. If I stumble upon someone who is a great best friend, a wonderful lover and completely into being mutually supportive, I'll give it a shot. But I'm not going to try to chase it down anymore. Matthew Hussey is disappointed with me. He really wants me to try to "get the guy". :)

I just don't believe "getting the guy" is the purpose of life. We don't need someone to complete us. We complete ourselves, with a little help from the fabulous people around us. You'll have to excuse me, now I have to go and help plan a bunch of weddings. 

Sullivan out. 

Thursday, 16 October 2014

The Confines of Fear

"I've been worrying that my time is a little unclear. I've been worrying that I'm losing the ones I hold dear. I've been worrying that we all live our lives in the confines of fear." - Ben Howard

Week three back at work. Gawd, I'm tired. My doctor warned me to stop sleeping so much a week before I went back. Did I listen? Nope. I feel like I'm catching up on years of sleep, I love it. :)

It's nice to be back into a routine. I count myself as extremely lucky to be able to walk back in there after 3.5 months and have all the support and care that I've experienced. But I was terrified to go back. It was never a question of whether or not to go back, it was more of a question of if I could combat the fear and be successful again. 

I'm starting to get my groove back. I can't help but think about how many times in life we let ourselves be fenced in by the confines of fear. Work, friendships, relationships, is SO scary to put ourselves out there when we're afraid of failure, disappointment, pain. And so many people choose not to go down that path. It's safer. I'll tell you something though, it's lonelier. 

There are hundreds of good reasons to cut things out of your life. Or maybe just to limit them. I read something once that said not everyone is healthy enough to sit in the front row of your life. So like in a theatre, some people need to be put on the upper balcony. It doesn't mean we don't love them, they just aren't healthy for us. The same could apply to anything we strive for. 

That's different though than refusing to take a chance on someone or something that we might feel we could really want, but are just too afraid to try.  

I feel like it's taken me this long to figure out where my limits are, what I can and can't put up with, what I'm willing to go out on a limb for, what I'm willing to walk away from. The difference now is that I don't make decisions out of fear. I've worried enough for an entire lifetime. 

I went to pick up some groceries today and there was a kid with a sign that said "Homeless and Hungry" outside the store. I bought him a bag of food and bent down to talk to him as I was leaving. It made me sad, he looked so young. 

I've been thinking about him all evening. Because I've been there. Homeless, broke, unemployed. And I think all of us can take tragedy and go either way with it. Either it breaks us so that we're so broken we can't be fixed. Or...we can fight the fear and let those experiences make us stronger, better, more compassionate people then we ever would have been otherwise. Let's face it - it's the theme to every superhero story there ever was. The hero picks the harder, higher road and decides to help other people in peril. The villain may have gone through the same terrible things, but they choose to spiral downward and hurt others. 

I'm confident I will become what I deserve. And the fear is slowly dissipating. I wish the same for you. 

Saturday, 11 October 2014

Searching for the Silver Lining

My Therapist: So why aren't you writing anymore?

Me: I don't feel like writing. I feel like the sky is dark, it's always raining and I'm cold and wet. 

He laughs. 

Him: You could write about that then. I'm sure a lot of people could relate. 

Now ya'll know I have no aversion to sharing the good bad and the ugly on here. But I can't do it without a spin. A silver lining that makes us all feel better at the end of the blog. 

In the spirit of Thanksgiving though, I thought about it all the way home from the doctor's and here's a quick update of terrible things gone wrong that are actually all okay. 

1. I was sick ALL summer. I got out of bed/the hospital/whatever and now it's fall. But it's alright because fall is my favorite season, I'm starting to feel better and we're having a bit of an Indian Summer. 

2. Because of that I was off work for months. Finances started running pretty low and I didn't even know how I would pay my expenses last month. There is always one man I can count on, and as usual he came through for me - no guilt, no pressure. "Wait until you're back to full pay and then you can start paying me back." Thank the Universe I have someone who has always got my back. 

3. My doctor, who doesn't have any kind of responsibility for me, offered to just treat me for free this month - again - it's just until I get back on my feet. Just because he wants to help (or perhaps he's just the only man who thinks I'm too fascinating/crazy to get rid of just yet). It was such a kind gesture that he actually, finally was able to make me cry in his office. I felt very "Good Will Hunting" that day, but hey, they won an Oscar so maybe my story will be interesting someday too. 

4. Despite not being able to work for awhile, I have a good job with people who care about me, who would check in, stop by, meet me in the park for lunch. And I still have a job. 

5. I got dumped again. This guy was way too smart, successful and lovely for me anyways. On our first date he told me I was a "nice girl". "Totally completely crazy" but a nice girl. The silver lining on this is that he actually took me out for gelato and dumped me in person instead of a text message. Text message dumping really sucks guys. Grow a pair and be a grown up. 

6. I have a great relationship with my brother and sister. It's taken awhile, but we've all got each other's back now. And nothing - not family, not religion, is going to pull that rug out from under me again. 

7. I spent two days trying to bail my friend out of jail. (Don't worry, he's lovely.) I didn't realize though that if I did that he'd have to come live with me. So now I have a couch surfer/roomate. He's a chef though so I don't know if you know what it's like to come home at lunch from work and someone is cutting up veggies and making fajitas. It's fun. His two cats make me allergic, but they are adorable. 

8. It's my girlfriends birthday this weekend and even though she's upset about it, I think age is just a number. We're still fabulous. 

9. My best friend got engaged. I will be the oldest bridesmaid ever but somehow I'll figure out how to rock it. I'm so happy for her. 

10. I have some great new friends. On my wedding anniversary, a day I hate, they invited me to go kayaking. I'm still pretty weak and I almost died but at least I wasn't alone. 

My girlfriend was over the other night and she said look at you, you attract us messed up people. I think at this point, we're all messed up. But we're making the best of it. And we have each other. That's a silver lining. :)