Sunday, 27 October 2013

Dark Before Dawn

You gotta love technology. Being stuck in the past as long as I was, I was more surprised than anyone else when in a spur of the moment decision, I got rid of my BlackBerry and got an iPhone instead.

Why I didn't do this years ago, I don't know. It's awesome. And there you have it folks, that's the most exciting thing that's happened in weeks. Which is why, of course, I haven't been writing. It's probably just that fall is coming to an end, winter is coming (I finally caught up on Game of Thrones) but I've been feeling a bit down. Still.

"They" always say it's darkest before dawn. And "they" are right. What they don't tell you is that dawn can last an awfully long time. I think that's why I've been feeling the way I have. Before all the JWs start posting shit on my blog, let's be very clear I'm a happy person and this has nothing to do with you. But all of us can find ourselves at that spot where we've been working so hard (school, work, relationships, life) and it seem like nothing ever changes. Do you know what I mean?

It's not that I haven't been promoted at work or that I haven't had a break-through on the writing side, it's not that I haven't found "the one", it's not even that I have great friends but I still feel alone. It's the combination of all those things, plus, winter is coming.

On the work front, I shouldn't be surprised. Do I stress about it at nauseum, worry about it when I should be sleeping? Yes. But my boss knows this isn't really what I want. His great advice to me this week was to quit school and get a weekend job as a bartender so I can move to NYC and be a writer. Awesome.

School? Is fine. I'm type A, you're looking at As across the board here.

Relationships. I can't complain, the men I've dated have been lovely. Finding the right one, not as easy though, especially if you think you've already found him and he got away. Friends? I love my friends. I hate it though when all of them are in relationships at the same time. #lonelyweekends #thirdwheel

So I got out of the darkness, but the dawn dragging on this long is slightly depressing. Will it last? No, nothing ever lasts. It gets bad, it gets worse, it gets better.

In the meantime, if you're in my 'hood bring me a cupcake. I'm sad.

Saturday, 19 October 2013

I love you but I'm leaving you anyways

My Cat is going to die. I know, I know, we're all going to die but she's very old. And lately, she's too skinny and kinda mangy looking and I come home from work and my apartment is literally a shitshow.

I'm afraid to take her to the vet though, cause I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Saying goodbye is something I'm very, very bad at. Once I love someone, I always love them. This week, I had dinner with my mom and sister. My mom has now moved to South America, and while part of me is relieved, part of me really wishes the past 4 years could have been different.

The next night, I had dinner with another old friend from the past. Today, I was walking down the street and I saw my ex-best friend. I won't lie, I hid. But I felt bad about it, so I went back. And faced the music. It was fine. We hugged, we talked a bit, and I went home.

I recently broke up with my new best friend, so when he wanted to see me tonight, I thought I needed a friendly face. The problem with people you've dated is usually the friendship is ruined. I didn't want to believe that, so I went, but as it turns out, you can't go back.

The relationship wasn't right, we wanted different things out of life and no matter how much you love someone, goals, priorities, lifestyle, schedules, all these things matter. So I left. It's not much different than when I was a JW, I loved those people too. At the end of the day, I had to make a choice based on how I felt my path to happiness needed to go. It doesn't mean I didn't love them, or my heart doesn't break every day over this.

In the end, I love you, but I'm leaving you anyways.

Thursday, 17 October 2013

Careful what you wish for...

It's been odd lately. Not to say my life isn't usually odd, but the whole reappearance of the JW family has been throwing me off a bit. It's like NOTHING ever happened.

I realize I should just be grateful for this. It's what I've been working towards the past 4 years, isn't it? The balance is a little more...balanced, with my brother and I on one side, mom and sister on the other. Trying to make the scales balance.

The sinners and the saints are all together now, and I have somehow, miraculously, been granted re-entrance into the family. Now, we can all do family dinners, see movies, grab a coffee. It's like the past few years have evaporated into thin air. I've done my time and been granted a release from the solitary confinement, the shunning, the days of having people pass me on the street and look right through me while they walk by.

I had dinner last night with another old friend from a past life, she has two kids now. They told me they love me, and that I'm like family, and invited me to their place for the weekend.

I'm always honest on here, and I won't lie to you now. A huge part of me wants to say FUCK YOU. Where were they when I was jobless, homeless, suicidal, at the end of my rapidly fraying rope? Up on your high horse, looking down with condescention on me and the life I chose.

Like all the choices I've made over the past few years, I won't give in to that. Angry Margaux only hurts herself, and the obvious joy this new arrangement gives my brother is enough for me to stay quiet. I love my family. And my old friends. I just don't trust them. There can be love without trust in my life, it's something I will have to get used to.

The best part? With Thanksgiving right behind us, I've thought about all of this a lot. I have enough of a "family" now to be happy no matter what else happens. I don't need any of these people, they've gone away in the past and I survived.

What I do need is to have faith in me, in my friends, in the choices I've made. I have that.

And apparently, I have the old life back now too. If I was on Glee I would sing you some moving Beatles song but I can't sing. So all I have to say is when the choice is put in front of you, choose love. It's ok to be angry about it, but kindness is always the way to go. This way, we sleep easy, we find inner peace and we can finally, finally, let go of the past that haunts us.

Still, be careful who you trust. :)

Saturday, 12 October 2013

Have you written anything lately?

Nope, nothing. Nothing at all. I'm not sure how it works for most writers out there, but for me, I get this little voice in my head that seems to whisper a bit to me at first. If I'm feeling inspired, I can get out the laptop and work on that right away. If not, I wait, until it gets louder and louder and finally starts screaming at me and I have no choice, no matter what is happening, then to sit down and write something.

Lately, that voice has been disturbingly quiet. It's not like nothing is happening that I would usually want to talk about. Maybe too much is going on. I've sat here and started a number of blogs, just to save them to draft and put on yet another episode of Breaking Bad instead.

You'll be happy to know I've finally finished with that, and we can go back to all the "winter is coming" references as I transition back into Game of Thrones. And, oh, by the way, winter is coming. 

I'll give you a quick recap:

- Man problems. I found myself out last weekend with 2 men I've been involved with, and while we all tried to pretend we were all friends and everything was cool, it really wasn't. Drama. 
- Mommy issues. Yes, so this whole mom and sister deciding to ignore the fact that I called myself out as an "apostate" and pretending they didn't mostly shun me for 4 years is not sitting right with me. It feels weird. Just sayin'.
- Secret Life friend: here today, gone tomorrow. He's been around for awhile and that always improves my quality of life. As he was getting ready to leave, I realized I've become better at dealing with it. I barely even cried the morning he went to catch his flight. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. Happy for him as always, just can't help but be a little sad for me.
- Work. Enough said.
- School. I'm learning some really relevant things, but it's reinforcing how difficult a path it is to try to make a career out of being a writer. I guess I'm feeling a bit discouraged.
- This one is silly, but I usually dye my hair red in the fall and when I went to have it done last weekend I walked a blonde. Project Redhead: Fail.
- Lastly, most of my (very few) very good friends seem to be in real relationships these days, so I kinda feel like odd man out.

Add to that the fact that I haven't been feeling well, apparently we have someone breaking into our building regularly and stealing things and the general transition to an unavoidable winter...and what can I say? I've been keeping my mouth shut.

You know me though. It's Thanksgiving weekend. And I'll be damned if this is a sad blog. Y'all know I LOVE Thanksgiving. It really is the best holiday. Turkey dinners and friends and family and a reminder that we should really wake up every day with a gratitude list on how lucky we are to live in a world where things really, as bad as they get, are not all that bad.

I went downstairs tonight to the bar for a drink with one of my best friends, and ran into a girl I've met there a few times now. Her and her boyfriend are total sweethearts and last time I saw them I told them a little about this blog. Apparently they both went home and read me.

She came up and gave me a big hug and said that even though her experiences in life were different than mine, she could relate to a lot of the things I've expressed on here. She said I was a strong person, a good writer and her heart broke a little reading my story. She thanked me for telling it.

I guess some of the discouragement I've been feeling lately is around whether or not all this Herculean effort I've been putting forth over the past few years has been worth anything, to anybody. Knowing it is though, makes it all worthwhile. Even if our actions only help or affect one person, that's a success. I know for a fact though, there's more than one of you out there who get me.

I truly believe that all of us have our demons to battle, our past to make peace with and the never-ending project of coming to terms with self-love. Add to that the stressful days at work, the responsibilities of aging parents or growing children, trying to take care of our friends and family, trying to make ends meet, trying to better ourselves as individuals. It's exhausting.

I think if we all stopped trying to convince the world through FaceBook that our lives are fabulous, and were a little more honest and open, we wouldn't all feel the overwhelming pressure to look perfect. And in sharing our struggles and imperfections we could all feel more comfortable being perfectly imperfect.

Then we would realize that our imperfect lives are fabulous, just the way they are. Despite all that imperfection, this is our one chance at life. Let's be nothing but grateful for it. :)