Sunday, 29 December 2013

After an entire week of listening to myself talk, even I am sick of me. So I thought that today, I'd just share some of the fun facts about the Blackbird blog. 

I like looking at the words people use to find it. This is a snapshot of the past week:

Any combination of Margaux and Blackbird are pretty routine, it's the last two that get me, first of all, "blackbird blog sweetpants". Hmmm. We all know I don't even wear pants from May-October. But maybe sweetpants are a new thing, probably mass produced in Vietnam by Lululemon. If they are, can someone please send me a pair? They sound delicious. 

Secondly, "how to call people to join my cult". Whoever was searching this phrase, I don't think you get what I've been saying on here the past couple of years. Just to clarify, I am definitely ANTI-cult. And I have never written a blog telling you how to call people to join your cult (who calls each other anymore anyways, dude?). Maybe Martha Stewart has some tips on one of her "how-to" pages. Sorry I couldn't be of more help...that's all I've got on that one. 

I also enjoy checking out where y'all are coming from. This week we've had visitors from:

They will only ever give me the top 10 countries at a time, so if I've missed yours, I apologize. Now that I've installed that tool that translates me into every language, I worry that people might not be getting the full picture of what I'm trying to say. I know that the Google translate tool is not the most accurate but I guess it works in a pinch. (That last part of the sentence will definitely not translate well at all...)

I guess in parting (I promised it would be a short one) I just have to say that I wish y'all would comment a little bit more. You can talk about what I'm talking about, you can talk about yourself, whatever you like. It just seems like I have a lot of friends out there all over the place who I haven't met yet. Say "hi". :)

Saturday, 28 December 2013

Waxing Poetic

I received another Christmas present last night. I love ALL my presents! I imagine I'm just really easy to shop for because all you have to do is pick up a book or some fancy makeup or a pretty necklace and I'm a happy girl. I am going to put this out there though, because my birthday is coming up next: I really am set now for lipgloss. You can totally put that on the list for next Christmas, I love it, but for now I'm good, probably well into 2014. I'm not sure if this very popular gift this year says something about me, I'll admit I am slightly obsessed with always having pretty lips. 

Thanks to all you lovelies out there, I can now spend the precious few days left of my vacation reading, looking pretty and smelling good. Thank you. :)

So I had dinner last night with my adopted family, lent to me by my most handsome ex of all time. I feel so normal there now it doesn't really matter about the fact that I'm adopted. I have my own spot at the dinner table, I can talk to them about anything and I really do feel more like a kid than a grown-up when they are pouring me juice, knitting me leg warmers, fretting about how much am I working? and dropping me off at the subway at the end of the night with a hug. And it makes my heart feel oh so happy.

Now I know I wax poetic on here a lot. One of my friends actually told me I should just tell the truth more. But this is the happy version of the truth. And I think I'm way more honest than people are on FaceBook, where they only ever post the pictures they look gorgeous and happy in, and then everyone sits around and secretly compares their life to all their "friends" whose lives seem perfect. 

Truth of the matter is, life throws a hell of a lot of shit at you. And doing something drastic like I did and deciding to change your entire life, as an adult is not easy. So many of us need to decide to do that though to finally find our path. 

I'll tell you a secret: sometimes it was really hard to write those posts and find someway, somehow to put a positive spin on it. I'll tell you another secret: doing it, finding a way to make it funny or optimistic, is what keeps you going. Keeps your head above water (even if only barely) through the tough times until things get better. Because you're telling yourself that as bad as everything seems right now, you'll be ok. That helped me, even when I didn't believe it. And maybe you didn't believe I believed it either (and you were right).

I promise you, if you're willing to do the hard work it takes, it all turns out better than you expected. :)

Friday, 27 December 2013

When I'm Gone :)

Your background music for this blog:

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. I know I've been saying this for awhile, but 2014 will the year I figure out how to get out of here. Or I get pregnant. Obviously I vacillate between the two objectives of my life. On one hand, if I don't move to New York soon, can I ever really do it with a toddler? Not unless my *yet to be decided upon* baby daddy is filthy rich and willing to fund it. On the other hand, if I move to New York and don't get myself knocked up first, I might be too old to have a kid later. Life is complicated in your 30s. I mean, when you're 27. :)

So Christmas has come and gone, and I think all my exes texted, called or took me out for drinks (except Travis of course). While that might be a bit strange, I think it's a testament to what an incredible ex-girlfriend I am. (Ex being the operative word.)

Strangely, the Big Four have all recently found new girlfriends. It's strange because of the timing of it, not because these guys aren't awesome and can't get girlfriends. The American, Vienna, Steve and 27.  "Why do they get to be the Big Four?" Irish pouts. 

Because. I could see a future with each of these guys. I still can it seems, apparently as their friend who listens to them describe the lingerie they bought for their new girlfriend for Christmas. The friend they send the sonogram picture of their first baby to. The friend they like to still go skating with on Tuesday nights. The friend who writes and sends each of them a Christmas card and best wishes for the new year. The friend who will always love them and want nothing but the best for them, even if I haven't found my happy ending just yet. The fact that they all got in touch with me though, I think, means they miss me a little now that I'm gone. 

I think through all of this, the Universe was sending me a message this Christmas season. It's almost a new year, time to move on Margaux. For real. Blow them a kiss, wish them the best, be their friend if you like, send them a Christmas card every year for the rest of your life. But move on. 

My girlfriend, when I told her all the news, simply said: "Time to move to NYC :)". I think she's right. Toronto has been oh so good to me, and wherever I go, I'm pretty sure I'll come back here eventually.

But it might be almost time for a change. In the meantime, I got a gift card for Christmas and I booked a massage, mani and pedi for the day before New Years eve. Might as well face midnight - and whatever 2014 is bringing with it - feeling relaxed and having awesome red nails. :)

Thursday, 26 December 2013

Jane Austen would be disappointed.

Phone rings. 

Me: Hey. I didn't go on my date tonight. 

My girlfriend: I knew you wouldn't, why do you think I'm calling you? You probably went to yoga, came home and poured a glass of wine and thought, fuck that. 

Me: I also made a grilled cheese sandwich. (Matthew Hussey frowns.)

Her: And you're probably smoking out your window. (Now, we all know I don't smoke, but if I did, could I be any more Carrie Bradshaw?)

I've probably just been listening to way too much Pitbull but then I had a great idea.

Me: We should go dancing on Saturday. 

Now I usually hate clubs, and most of the time I feel way too old for them. It might be the new haircut or all the time off work, but I can't think of anything that would be quite as much fun right now than drinking gin and tonic, wearing high heels, fishnets, lots of makeup and dancing. Maybe kiss some random handsome stranger. 

And there you have it.  This is why my dad doesn't read my blog anymore. And why Jane Austen would never have tea with me. 

She is one of my heroes, and I can relate to her sensitive, romantic soul. I'll probably end up exactly the same way she did: one great love affair that didn't work out and then I die young, with only my brother by my side. Then he publishes my book and everyone reads it after I'm dead. (Henry was also in finance, and he seemed pretty cool, but I'm sure my brother would do the same for me.)

At least I don't have to wear long dresses and put my hair up everyday. Or drink tea. I bet though, that given the chance, Jane might just let her hair down and come out dancing with us on Saturday. :) 

"There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere." - Jane

Give me everything tonight :)

Tonight. I want all of you tonight. Give me everything tonight. For all we know, we might not get tomorrow. 

I know what you're going to say. I've been posting too many blogs lately, you can't keep up. What else is little A-type going to do on her vacation? Relax? Clean my apartment? HA.

I think all the artists out there: songwriters, painters, poets, writers, whatever we are, are somewhat tortured. There's something wrong with our brains. We feel too much, we feel it ALL.

So we write, or draw or make music to get it out. After I got home from lunch today (don't worry, I know y'all are going to throw up in your mouths if I post any more cute pictures of me and Lindsay, so I won't) I spent more hours on the phone than I think I ever have, catching up with the people I love and sending and replying to Merry Christmas texts. My ex's parents, Grandma, my very few lifelong friends who left the cult too (Imagine: we could all wish each other a Merry Christmas, such a novelty!), everyone I've ever dated. Then my gay fairy-god-uncle Brett called. There's someone I can talk to about anything. So we settled in for a chat and over an hour later, when the boys got back from grocery shopping and they asked who he was talking to, we all had to laugh that it was still just me. 

We'd both been drinking so the conversation went downhill pretty quickly, but he did say he loved my blog, and when he reads it he realizes I'm not as messed up as I seem to be. Thanks Brett. Seriously though, I dare you to read my blog, from the beginning, the whole story from then to now and not be able to think I'm pretty well adjusted, considering. Yes, sometimes I rage against the JWs, the corporate world, walking to school on cold winter nights, the past...but for all that shit, I'm pretty normal. 

I don't have a great point of reference for where I am in my writing compared to anyone else. I really only follow two bloggers, The Bloggess and Matthew Hussey. The Bloggess is posting on Christmas day and tweeting like crazy, so I don't feel like all that much of a loser for doing the same. Matt's angry at me right now because it's the 25th and I didn't really follow his December regiment on how to find the guy you're going to kiss on New Years eve. (Apparently it only takes a month.) So I'll probably do the same thing I did last New Years and kiss a girl instead. No chance for any kind of long term prospect there, but they do have nice, soft lips and what else are you really looking for at midnight on New Years? Your soulmate? :)

Brett and I are a certain type of soulmates, so he graciously offered to be my donor if this kid bug I've got doesn't go away and I never find a boy to do it with. My uncle Ken would probably come back from the grave and punch his best friend in the face for knocking up his niece, but our children will be lovely. Short, but lovely. And they'd probably talk too much, drink too much and fight with each other to be the center of attention. They will definitely need a therapist.

If you think about it though, who didn't fuck their kids up? I was reading one of my Christmas present books, written by a famous shrink, and he said that if we grow up feeling safe, accepted and loved, whatever happens to us as an adult can't really shake that foundation. If we grow up without it though, it's always going to be an uphill battle to make it there.

So many people take the easy way out. They blame their past, give in to their vices, and ignore the important issues that we need to overcome to be the best version of ourselves. I won't do that. I'm finally in a better place than I thought I'd ever get to. And I swear to God, someday I'll be a famous writer and if I'm very, very lucky, a good mom who tries her best to only fuck up her kids a little bit. :)

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas!

I woke up and the weather is absolutely perfect for Christmas morning. Great big snowflakes, falling slowly. Lindsay is in bed next to me. We both had lunch with our exs yesterday at the keg, then I went to church. Lit a candle and said a prayer for my very dear friend Donia. Sending you lots and lots of love girl!

Merry Christmas everyone. The holidays are a good time to be grateful for what we have and for me, I'm very grateful that the love around me is abundant. I wish you the same. X

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

It's beginning to feel a lot like...

It's Christmas eve. :)

Guess who's already opened all her presents? This girl. That kinda sucks, but on the other hand I have enough books, lipgloss and spa treatments to take me well into 2014. Also, I have tickets to City and Colour and the Celtic necklace I really, really want on it's way over from Ireland. My friends get me.

In an attempt to be responsible, on the first day of my vacation, I went to the dentist. I honestly hate nothing in life except my stepbrother, the TTC, the old white dudes who run the JWs and brainwash people and the dentist. I think they are all a similar kind of evil, except maybe the dentist really is just trying to help you.

I'll be the first one to admit, as usual, that it's my own fault. I could easily just get a new dentist who isn't located right across the street from my ex-husband's work. I hate change though, so here I am. Lindsay thought it might be a good idea to change my appointment from first thing in the morning to the end of the day, when Travis would definitely be gone home from work. We all know that guy never works past noon.

So I show up, terribly grumpy, but then Linds and I went to the pub, had a glass of wine, Cass showed up and we all decided it would be a splendid idea to go home and make leftover turkey/cranberry/brie grilled sandwiches.

While Cass went to grab the brie, Lindsay and I hit the LCBO for a bottle of wine. Now, the LCBO is crazy this time of year, so we walked in and it was insane.  But then, through the crowds, I saw him. A tall, lanky blonde guy wearing earphones and holding a six pack of beer. And without saying anything, this is how it went:

Lindsay: Babe, it's not HIM. 

Margaux walks in a daze towards the dude. She hasn't seen her ex-husband in, well I don't really know how long. Years.

Lindsay: Margaux, no!

Margaux keeps walking. This has never happened before but I swear to God he could have been Travis' twin. It wasn't until I was right in front of him, looking him in the eye, that I realized "It's not you." That's what I said right before I walked away and immediately started crying in the liquor store.

At least now we all know exactly what would happen, if I ever ran into him by accident. Thank God it wasn't him, he wasn't with his new wife, he didn't get a chance to shun me. What was I thinking? What would I have said anyways? 

I'd like to think though that this incident was a good reflection of how I face life now. Just walk up and look it in the face and accept the consequences, for better or worse, instead of running away and hiding, which is what I used to do for way too long.

Anyways, it's Christmas. Or almost. Mike, Lindsay and I are heading out for midnight mass in a few hours and I think I'm friendly enough with church not to have a panic attack this year. "They" say time heal all wounds, and it's true. Not to say it won't leave you blind, crippled or scarred, but the good thing about life is it keeps trying to make you comfortable and succeeding. This Christmas, I feel blessed. And not just because of all the lipgloss. Those sandwiches were pretty effing awesome too. :)

Monday, 23 December 2013

My brother is way too handsome. And other "first world" problems...

Where to begin?

I like the new pope. Betcha didn't see that one coming. When asked about gay clergy by a journalist, he said, "Who am I to judge other people in this context? Who am I to judge the way other people live? Who am I to be passing judgement?"

Maybe if more people, in positions of authority or not, took up that mind-frame we'd all live happier lives for it. 

I'm pretty sure already this post will be very ADD. Turkey dinner was fabulous last night and I have a ton of leftovers so if you're in Toronto without power/water/heat in this terrible ice storm give me a ring. I'm happy to set up a hostel as I'm one of the lucky ones. 

I'm also happy to report I'm already over my yearly mid-December depression. My bounce-back time is getting better every year, I think my therapist is proud of me.  It probably helps that it's my first day off work until after the holidays and even though I keep getting up, going back to bed seems to be how the day is going. 

Bed, IPhone and a book, that's probably the best way to spend your first day of holidays. I don't want to downplay the effects of depression. I know the holidays can be rough for many people, not just me. I have a girlfriend battling cancer right now. Another one facing her first Christmas ever without her mom. Now we all know I've lost a hell of a lot of people. But I have to say, heading into Christmas, I'm extremely grateful for my oh-so-handsome brother. 

I feel like if we were in the Hunger Games he'd totally have my back. Even though I'd be one of those people who die in the first 5 minutes because I'm clumsy and don't know how to use any weapons. I've written quite a few blogs on here about the people who mean a lot to me, family and "like-family" but I don't think I've ever really expressed how utterly important this relationship is to me. 

Even before we moved in together, I remember being sick at the hospital, and they asked me to fill out an emergency contact form. I didn't know what to do with it. Michael doesn't always answer his phone. And he loses it a lot. But that was my option, so I went with it. 

Then we lived together. I wasn't much fun, I spent most of that year crying in bed. But he'd come in and take the wine glass out of my hand after I'd fallen asleep, hold my hand when I cried, dragged me out to yoga on Saturdays. 

Neither of us could be labelled as completely sane and well-adjusted. But we keep trying. Confronting and solving problems is a painful process, which most people attempt to avoid. We don't anymore. We can be open and honest and solution driven. He's also the best date for any important function, appreciates my cooking more than most people and calls to talk when he knows I need him to. 

We don't always see eye to eye, but we are always there for each other, and we take a damn good picture. From my perspective, that's a glass half-full. :)

Ps. Just to tie it all together, my best friend is gay and she kinda likes Pope Francis too. It's almost 2014 people. Obviously Armageddon is not coming, let's just accept people for who they are (except for the really bad people) and live with acceptance and hope. 

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Rattle and Hum

I know you already get it. I've spent the entire afternoon cooking a turkey and listening to old U2 cds.

I couldn't decide what to call this: Running to stand still? I still haven't found what I'm looking for? With or without you? We're not even going there.

They would all be true.

Hey so I stole my neighbour's cat. They are out of town for the holidays and I went over to feed her and she looked lonely. Or maybe I'm just lonely. Either way, I have a cat until January 4. Yay!

If you live in TO please don't leave home tonight unless it's an emergency, the whole city is a death trap. Except of course if you're invited to my turkey dinner tonight. Then you should totally go out cause I bought a turkey and cooked it for you. :)

Friday, 20 December 2013

Dying Young

If I die young, bury me in satin Lay me down on a bed of roses Sink me in the river at dawn Send me away with the words of a love song

I love country music. You should click the link, it's a great song.

So here we are at December 20th and I haven't written a blog yet about my suicide attempt anniversary. My brother and I were talking the other night and he thought we should do a theme party every year where we all come dressed up as how we would kill ourselves. He's lovely, really. Imagine it, people with knives in their heads and nooses around their necks and me dressed up as multiple bottles of sleeping pills. And then we all do a shot.

On a serious note, this stuff totally upsets my family so if any of you are reading this, feel free to close the web page now and wait for the next happy-go-lucky margaux blog. They don't like talking about anything that's actually important so we all pretend everything is just fine, all the time. I like to think if I had got around to having kids, I would have done things differently.

I'm happy to tell you I'm much better than I was at this time last year. First anniversaries are always the worst. I remember knocking on Krista's door and handing her all my sharp knives and asking her to keep them until I felt better. Gawd, I guess I'm lucky that after that we're still friends. I came home and lied down on the floor in the living room and I didn't get up for maybe 2 days.

I'm not complaining. I feel acutely how lucky I am and I feel so grateful for everything I have. And I have a friend who is dying right now way too young. I wish I could just swap our lives out, she's a better person than me.

I went to see Ross today (best therapist ever) but unfortunately, I found myself saying the exact same thing I said last year when he asked me his questions. Last year I said I couldn't help but wish I had been successful in my failed attempt. This year, I said the same thing.

Ross isn't worried about me and neither am I. Both of us know I won't try it again. And for all of you out there who look to me for inspiration, I'm not letting you down, I'm just being honest. I have a good life. One that is true to my values. I know that the old life was an illusion but it was one that I bought into. When 27 said the other night that I was sparkle and shine I couldn't help but think yes, that was me. A long time ago.

Maybe the problem is just that I see myself differently now than everyone else does. Clap your hands if you believe in fairies...

Urban Hippie

K: Just at Ki if you're keen
me: Sure, I'll head out in a few minutes

Why I decided to do that, I don't know. I absolutely hate "suit bars". Now, I've been called out on this. Technically, I'm a suit. It comes with it's perks. I've eaten in all the best restaurants in Toronto, spend my days with a ton of great, smart, successful people, and panic attacks aside, usually like what I do in the 9-5 space.

Outside of that though, I just want to wear my skinny black jeans, put on a pair of keds and spend my time with people who are a little more real than all those rich guys with their pink pocket squares who buy you overpriced glasses of wine in return for you listening to them talk about how great they are. Yawn.

I've had an awesome week. But one of my best evenings was spent changing out of my blouse and black wool and into five layers of of sweatshirts and a pair of hockey skates and spending 2 hours on the rink with 27. He's someone I can be real with. I told him my big story about meeting a famous magazine editor last week. When I said she told me they're looking for writers with "sparkle and shine" he said that if he could only describe me in 3 words, those would be 2 of them. :)

Luckily, my girlfriends felt the same way as I did and soon we left, trekked through the snow back to our bar, where we bought our own drinks, only got charged for half of them and got some great hugs and kisses on the way out. It was unanimously decided we were definitely over Ki and happy to do girls night at AAA instead from now on.

While the corporate world has it's benefits, we all know it's really not where I belong. Even my boss, Jersey Shore, when he's giving me career advice, just tells me I should move to NYC, get a job as a bartender and write a book. My secret life friend is doing that right now, and I'm oh so jealous. One of these days, I swear, I will live in a world that does not require dry cleaning. In the meantime, I'm one day away from a couple of weeks off and I can't wait. Happy Holidays!

Sunday, 15 December 2013

God Grant me Serenity...

It seems like it's finally time to change all my passwords from "winteriscoming" to winter is here. (Yes, Games of Thrones geek actually uses that as her password for everything. Feel free to hack me.)

Yesterday was the perfect Toronto blizzard, and of course, as usual these days, I had plans to hit the Christmas Market with some dear friends. I'm sure some of you can relate, being alone in the big city, my adopted family really does mean the world to me. With everything that's been going on lately, when my ex's mom and kid dived in for the goodbye hug, I felt really happy. But then his mom leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and for a minute, I thought I might cry. I have no idea why these very normal, very well off, very successful people have adopted a messed up, lonely stray, who obviously is never getting back together with their son, but they did.

I woke up early this morning and thought, maybe I'll go to church again. But then I had a message from Google+ that my mother had added me to her circle. Looking at her profile pic, happily holding up the new JW Bible was enough to throw out church for yoga and then maybe a drink.

I'm happy for her, I am. But it seems my mommy issues know no bounds and God forbid I'm still dealing with this in another 10 years.

The Serenity Prayer says we should accept the things we cannot change, ask for courage to change the things we can and wisdom to know the difference. I made those tough changes and years of therapy, yoga and meditation, have brought me to a place that I can live in. But underneath it all, I still have rage nightmares over the things I cannot change. It's on an unconscious level, which is why I don't think I can fix it.

I was talking to one of my best friends this morning and she said things will even out and my next life will be perfect. Here's the meantime, things are ok.

Friday, 13 December 2013

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

I had holiday lunch with my bestie today, still feeling the effects of the last few drinks at the office Christmas party last night. It might just be being five work days away from holidays, but I have been in a really good mood lately.

I think after the Triple Threat life is giving me a reprieve, everything seems to be turning up Margaux-friendly. This morning as I was composing my gratitude list for the day, randomly I was thankful for all the guys who have danced with me in the living room and that one guy who got up on a ladder and changed my lightbulbs. :)

So here is your Saturday morning playlist, courtesy of Vienna, JJ, my secret life friend and of course, 27. (Guys I love almost as much as my yoga mat!)

First song
Second song
What, are you greedy? Ok. Fifth

Happy weekend everyone!

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Sparkle and Magic

I love this time of year. Not the crowded malls of course, but I'm never big on malls at any time of year. People are generally happier the closer we get to Christmas, even in a city as unfriendly as Toronto. The countdown to the holidays is even more exciting when you know your whole company shuts down for an entire week. It seems to be the one time of the year it's really ok not to check your email. :)

I went to a seminar last night and the speaker was Bernadette Morra, Editor-in-Chief of Fashion magazine. I ran into her in the bathroom, just before it began. It was just the two of us, her looking fabulous in Louis Vitton and me running in late from work. I froze up, smiled politely and didn't say a word.

For someone as successful as her, she really was quite funny, honest and down to earth. She started off the evening by asking how many of us wanted her job. Hands went up all over the room. She admitted that when she started down the path which has led her to her current career, she didn't know where she wanted to go.

I think I have a pretty good idea where I want to go in life at this point, the problem I'm still struggling with is how exactly do I get there? I asked her that after the session. She said: What is your obsession? What makes you different from everyone else and why do people read what you write?

I guess besides a few life experiences that aren't exactly commonplace, I'm not sure. I think people read me because they can relate, perhaps not to exactly what I've gone through, but for seriously getting the shit kicked out of me in life and somehow figuring out how to keep getting up. Most of us need to do that, over and over and over again. And on top of that figure out how to stay positive, how to keep being open to trust and love, how to follow our heart and protect it at the same time.

This last writing course that I took at Ryerson, hearing the ins and outs of freelance writing from people who do it for a living, was slightly discouraging. It really is a full-time job and it's hard to figure out where to come up with all that time and energy when you already have a full-time job, and one that you need to keep because you're not wealthy or a kept woman (unfortunately). But last night's speaker said they are always looking for new talent, hard working writers, people with sparkle and magic. She would know, she's definitely got that down. I think I still have it too and the more I shed the effects of the past few years, the more I can see it coming back, even if right now it's just faintly glimmering a bit.

As it ended, her and I were leaving the event at the same time. I was horrified of course because I was wearing mittens on a STRING and had already changed out of my heels and into my salt stained winter boots. I also couldn't help but think it was too bad I don't carry around a folder with some of my best blogs and a professional biography. Note to self: I gotta start doing that. And maybe buy some grown-up winter gloves to wear to events like this. 

It's so exciting to watch my readership growing every week, to see that people all around the world like to read what I've got to say. But I realize, what I really need is the RIGHT person to read me. So help a girl out, if you enjoy my blog please comment, share me, tweet me. I feel like I'm getting close - I just need a little magic. :)

Sunday, 8 December 2013

Keep Calm and Make a List

For all my A-type-ness, I had the perfect weekend. Dinner with a friend after work on Friday at my favorite bar in the world, home to bed early. Went to the Christmas market with a girlfriend on Saturday, picked up a couple of Christmas presents, home early, read a book, went to bed. Got up this morning and grabbed a coffee, got to work on my final assignment of the school term, took a break and went to yoga.

I love the Sunday 10 am teacher but she knows me and could tell something was wrong with me today. The panic won't leave me alone. She came over and whispered, "you keep shaking". I said I was ok. It wasn't the time or the place to explain to her my extreme problems with anxiety and how I'd had a panic attack on the way over. I made it through the class, picked up some lunch and finished my last paper. Did some work to prep for some meetings tomorrow morning. Called my grandma, did laundry, took a shower. Went back to the Christmas market in the freezing, freezing cold.

Now everything I did this weekend was super fun/important. But I almost didn't do any of it. When the anxiety takes over, I have trouble concentrating. I want to go back to bed. But that just makes me more anxious that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. So this weekend I made a list. Of everything I was supposed to do, what time and where. It makes me happy to be able to cross things off. I briefly thought I'd like to go to church again, but it didn't make sense to think I'd be able to fit it into the list so instead, I wrote down what I believed I could actually accomplish. If I could find the strength to get out of bed.

Surprisingly, everything is crossed off and I'm even halfway through my new favorite book, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I love the classics, huge Jane Austen fan. But zombies just make everything better. I guess part of me always believed in them since the JWs are so big on the fact that everyone is coming back from the dead. I think they just see that a little bit differently than the rest of us do. :)

Point is, life's up and downs can be scary and after what I've been through, most of the time I just want to throw in the towel and go back to bed. But if we force ourselves to cross all those important things off our lists, we might just start to feel happy again. Or at the very least, like we're really alive, and not just a zombie.

Saturday, 7 December 2013

Pen & Paper

I received my first Christmas card last night from a dear friend. I have to say, written messages: cards, letters, etc. - it's a lost art. 

One of my favorite exs used to write me love letters, and I think that's one of the reasons I will always love him. I keep them in a box and never look at them, but if I wanted to, they are there. We should all throw away our bills and bank statements once we've dealt with them, but keep your old letters. In the age of FaceBook and Email those are special. 

When I was a teenager, my girlfriends and I always wrote letters to each other. I still have all of them in a box under my bed. I'm not sure when we got too busy to write, I guess the problem with putting pen to paper is that we can't backspace when we make a mistake. We have to start over. Or live with that mistake and send it anyways. 

In life, we usually can't "backspace" either. As much as we may want things to be different, those past episodes are are written dark ink. The stains are impossible to get out. 

There is something about the holiday season though that makes me feel like we should just stop with the insanity of life and think about how to make that intimate connection again with the people we love. Not just sign a Christmas card for the sake of ticking boxes off a list, but because we have something to communicate to the people who are important to us. To be honest, the cards are what make me happiest, not the perfectly wrapped presents. 

We are all individuals and we see the world differently. I've been told how we do that is 90% our own perspective. That's true. But half the battle is being able to listen to the other person and try to understand their 90% perspective on things. It doesn't mean we have to agree, just be open to the conversation. 

The alternative is, of course, that we ignore it. That we don't speak our mind or be true to ourselves for the sake of keeping peace. 

Unfortunately for everyone I know, I'm way too good at saying how I feel. It may have been the lifetime of repressing that before but now I think if you want to be part of my life, you should talk to me. I'll listen to you but please hear me too. We can agree to disagree but if you don't even want to listen then I'm not sure how we move forward. 

Maybe I'll send you a letter. :)

Sunday, 1 December 2013

Oh. My. God.

I woke up this morning and called my bestie and she was having a terrible time of it trying to parallel park. Which begs the question, why would one be parallel parking so early on a Sunday morning? She was going to church.

Now, neither of us have had a stellar week so I got up and decided I was going to church too. Why not? I have a love/hate relationship with (maybe you are, maybe you aren't) "God" so out of defiance I put on my new sweater with a bulldog on the front, skipped my shower and headed off to St. Mike's.

This was clearly a risky choice. I haven't been able to be in a Catholic church without having a panic attack and I am out of Ativan.

Thanks to the "not stellar" week I mentioned, I had the craziest panic attack yesterday - despite getting a massage and going to yoga - and I woke up this morning with my chest still aching. Yes, I know, I am killing myself with this stress issue. 

I would probably describe myself as agnostic, but I'm still a bit of a religious mutt. I went to Catholic church a bit as a kid with my dad. I was raised Jehovah's Witness. I've done research into everything from Atheism to Buddhism. I have a Christmas tree in the living room, an idol of Ganesh on the bookcase and Fred, my Buddha on the table near the window. I believe in Fred, Ganesh and the Universe, but God? I'm not so sure.

But maybe I do. I had a hard time following the sequence of Catholic mass (yoga is easier), up, down, kneel, sing, up, the priest says something and everyone says something back and I have no idea what they are talking about. But I did say the Lords Prayer along with all of them and when we knelt and it was silent, I finally, after all these years, talked to God. It was hardly reverent or poetic, I just said: "Fuck you." Then I said it again and again and again until I thought that if he's out there, he might have heard me.

Even before I lost my faith I used to ask God what he was doing. What more did I need to learn? Hadn't I suffered enough? I know I only have first world problems to deal with and I'm grateful for that: family, relationships, money, work. For better or worse, I suffer though through the suffering of other people and I've seen enough of that. The JWs used to say that everything we believed in was necessary because without it, what was the purpose of life? My uncle passed away awhile ago and it made me revisit the question. A friend I've had for almost 20 years is dying now at 46, the same age he was, and I have to admit, I don't know what the purpose of life is. I don't believe in an afterlife where we are rewarded or punished, I don't have any kids who would have given me some purpose, even though I really wanted them.

The re-emergence of some family issues lately and talking to my sister has brought up all these memories. I've been flipping through old photo albums and I have to stop myself from pulling out pictures from the past and putting them back into frames.

I have to say though that I thoroughly enjoyed being back in "God's house". Unlike the Kingdom Halls I grew up in, churches are great what with all the stained glass, the incense, the boy's choir that sings beautifully. They read some scriptures from the Bible, a book I've read straight through so many times I almost know it by heart in two languages.

My friends were shocked this morning to hear of my plans for the day. Which church? They wanted to know. That was a no-brainer. Catholics believe Jesus is God and he seems like he was a really nice guy. Half of the Bible sucks, it's sexist and racist and judgmental. But the other half is one of the most beautiful works of literature ever produced. If they just keep focusing on that, I'll go back to church anytime.

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

The Afterthought

I haven’t had a good rant lately so here we go. As I predicted not long ago, I’m already sick of dating again. It’s been all of about a month but I’m tired of playing Tinder. I met some really cute guys but no one of note, so as usual, I’m back to hanging out with my exes. It’s fun, I still get to go on “dates” just with no kissing, cuddling or sex.  

Now, every time I decide to date again, I know that half of the problem is me. I love the 27 year olds. Literally every guy I meet, the first question my girlfriends ask is “How old is he?”.

The 27s of the world are just so cute. :) But yes, usually we are looking for different things. I always have a lot of fun but most of them are not "dating to settle down" just yet, especially not with a grown-up girl like me.

So sometimes I swing the other way and date the “40-ish” crowd. Makes sense right? These guys are settled into their careers, snappy dressers, have hobbies and interests…you can’t help but think that all they are missing is you!

It’s become increasing clear though, that at that age there are 2 distinct categories in this group. There’s the guy who has been married or lived with someone long-term. He’s looking for the same thing you are: someone to meet up with for Friday “date night”, go for brunch with on the weekend. He’s not afraid to introduce you to his family or make plans more than a few days in advance. All this stuff is par for the course, been there, done that.

My problem is I keep dating the other category: The Bachelor. Now, I’m not saying there’s something wrong with someone who is approaching 40 and not in a relationship. There are reasons, maybe he’s been focusing on his career, maybe he’s had other interests or ambitions to pursue before settling down.

The issue here, from what I’ve seen, is now they have no idea how to do that. They think they want a relationship, but the “relationships” that have prepared them for you do not really line up with your definition of that word. So work still comes first. Then their friends and family (who of course you will not meet for months and months), then the gym, their hobbies and interests and then almost as an Afterthought…there’s you.

The Bachelor doesn’t really like to make plans. He’s used to waiting until the end of the day, and deciding what HE feels like doing tonight. Your best friends’ kid’s birthday party? That doesn’t sound like how he’s going to spend his Saturday. Your mother’s in town for the weekend? See you Monday, darling!

Now, his aversion to making plans will only apply to YOU. Try not to be disappointed when you ask if he wants to do something only to find out he’s got boy’s night/a work dinner/he’s out of town this weekend. Didn’t he mention that? Nope.

The classic example of course is Carrie and Big from SATC. But I look around at the girls I know and I think we all seem to be dating Big at some point or another. Which in our 30s gets frustrating. We have our own careers, friends, families, interests, we don’t need a boy to hang off our every word or be around every minute of the day. What we are looking for though, is just to not be that Afterthought who doesn’t even factor in to your plans unless…it’s convenient for you.

It’s our own fault of course, when we wait around all day Saturday to hear from you instead of just turning our phone off and going to yoga, but hey, we are girls! This is what we do. Very few of us could be called “Bachelors”. In our relationships, we’re thoughtful. We make plans and we keep them. We don’t expect our girlfriends to just be free at our whim to come out and give us some attention/affection whenever we feel like it.

You can’t change a man and the more years of Bachelorhood he has on you, the tougher that fight will be. Eventually it seems, the “Big”s of the world do come around, but Carrie had to spend 10 years being his Afterthought first and she was our age when the whole story began. If you’re determined to snag yourself a Bachelor, you might be in for a bit of a wait. :)

Saturday, 16 November 2013

Triple Threat!

Gawd, I love Saturdays.

Last weekend was the worst weekend ever. The Triple Threat. The good thing about when bad things come in threes is that then you're absolutely, positively in the clear for awhile. The storm is over and now everything is calm. It's a beautiful, gorgeous fall day in Toronto. It almost doesn't matter that it's November 16th and I still don't have heat in my apartment. (Law suit pending...)

I was talking to my brother about this and I really think that everything bad that happens to us in life is a test, to see how we will react, what choices will we make, will we give up? Sometimes, I won't lie, you want to just throw back your head and scream at the gods that be and ask them why they are such assholes when you are just trying to be a good person.

Buddhists believe that nothing is permanent and we need to detach from our suffering. I'm a newbie at it, but I've been reading Jack Kornfield when I can't sleep and practicing. I have a panic attack and I just think...I'm not my body. I'm not my job. I'm not this date I'm about to go on. Because we are all part of something much bigger than that.

It helps to put on something that makes you want to dance in the living room. So I have a Saturday morning song for you. Here ya go. 

Listen to this and then enjoy your morning run, yoga, coffee, walk in the park, whatever you're up to. Every day is a gift, every day we lose a little more time. Let's *shine* while we're here, for what it's worth. :)

Thursday, 14 November 2013

Love in the time of Tinder

Ok y'all have read way too many sad posts lately about Cat (may she rest in peace) so new topic. As you know, I recently acquired an iPhone and it enables me to play a really fun new game called Tinder. As you may or may not know, Tinder is straight Grindr. One of my gay friends was oh so happy for us that we can now play the game too. He told me that he can't even have coffee with his friends without them checking their phone every five minutes and assured me I would now turn into a gay man. We'll see.

But it is super fun for online dating, no wasting time reading profiles or messages from guys you really don't care to hear from. It's just a picture, a name and an age and you swipe left for no or right for yes.

It's hard to take it seriously though because it really does feel like you're playing a game. You don't look at a guy and think, could this be that last relationship I ever have? Nah, you're just like, would I kiss him? Yes? Swipe right, No? Swipe left. Sometimes I get so caught up in swiping left I have to stop and think, man that guy was cute. Oh well, now he's gone. Back to the game.

I actually found my brother on there the other day when I was in a left swiping frenzy and he was gone before I realized who it was. I was disappointed about that because I always end up matching up with him at some point on online dating sites.

Oh well, if I keep playing I'm sure I'll find him again some day and I will not make the same mistake twice! :)

Now I'm not a big fan of online dating. But hey, once all your friends have settled down into relationships and you're still single, where do you meet new people? At yoga? Nope they are all either gay or coming with their girlfriends/wives. (Side point: those rare straight single dudes at yoga have really tapped into to unexplored market of girl meeting potential. My advice to you, single men of Toronto who want to meet someone? Start working on your downward dog.)

At work? Too messy. At bars? That's almost worse than online dating. I've been to a few meet up groups but those people are mostly weird. (No judgment meetup group junkies.) There's a new group I've been meaning to get to, and I planned to go many a time, but it just never seems to work out. When Cat passed away on Saturday and I called one of my friends to tell her about it, her first response was, man you will do anything to get out of going to that meetup group! That's not why I put her down, but my friend does have a point...

I have met a couple of guys from the game and as always, they were nice. Matthew Hussey says we need to meet two new people a week if we are serious about finding the elusive "one" but what does he know? He's still single.

At the end of the day, it's all a game. Dating, relationships, work, friendships, etc. I guess it just depends whether or not we take it seriously and if we're in it to win or if we're just doing it to have fun.

I am absolutely sure that I will get sick of Tinder eventually, like I do with all online dating sites. In the meantime, if you're a really nice guy, you've got your shit together and you know what you want out of life, if we cross paths on the most superficial dating site in the world, swipe right. :)

Monday, 11 November 2013

Lest we forget...

I keep vacillating on this one.  Do I write one more blog about how depressed I am that my Cat died. Tell y'all how hard it was not to cry at my desk today at work? Or do I do a fucking inspirational it's Remembrance Day, we should be grateful for what we have, what our grandparents fought for speech. I never met one of my grandfathers, but he fought in the war and I'm sure he was awesome, just like my Dad. 

Hmm. I am grateful for what I have. Except for the dead cat and the new stalker. (Stalker, I don't blame you for being in love with me, I'm pretty awesome. But the fact that you somehow got my cell phone number and called me the other night really makes me very nervous. Please don't do that again.)

The Cat wasn't just another friend that I lost, she was the last real link I had to that past life. She was with me when I found Travis, married him, divorced him. She was with me through those absolutely terrible years. 

Living in the past will never get us anywhere we really want to go in life. And if life hasn't killed me yet, then it really should be worried because there's nothing left to take away from me at this point. I'm like Liam Neeson is any of his movies. Scary. I'm going to leave it to the true artist here to say what I really want to say, but seriously: You're gonna hear me roar. 

Saturday, 9 November 2013

Melancholy and the Infinite Sadness

Ok perhaps I was being a bit dramatic with that title. But I honestly can't remember the last time I've been this sad. What does one do on a Saturday night after they kill their Cat?

I was up most of Friday night with her so I took a nap. I would say after the events of this morning, I could justify splurging and ordering in instead of cooking. But I don't feel like eating. I don't feel like going out but I don't feel like staying in either, the apartment is way too lonely now. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

Friday, 8 November 2013

So long, old friend.

I don't cry anymore. I remember back in the day, after everything happened, Stuart would call me to check in and the first thing he'd ask is, Mahhhhhhhrgaux, do you still cry at your desk?

No. I did yesterday though and I totally got caught. Crying at my desk. I have to say, one of the most difficult things about owning a pet is deciding when to let go. They have great lives. We feed them, pet them, clean up their poo.

But they give us so much back all that shit is totally worth it. Those people who never own pets really cannot be trusted. It's a commitment, similar to having kids, I believe you're in it for the long run once you adopt someone who needs a home.

Cat has been here for 14 years now. And she was already an adult when I got her, so she is very old. The average age they live is 12-15 years. So I got lucky with her. But I was probably a really bad cat-mom so it goes without saying it's no doubt a good thing I never ended up with those kids I so desperately wanted. I'm sure kids are more work than a cat.

She's put up with a lot. Roomates. I married and divorced a guy who really hated cats. She has outlived all my apartments, jobs, boyfriends, friends, even my marriage. She was there when I was kicked out of the j-dubs and completely alone. I cried a lot and barely left the house, but I think she kinda was ok with it because we had lots of cuddle time in bed.

Animals are truly loyal companions, they don't complain, even when they're in pain, which as it turns out, Cat has been dealing with for a long time although I didn't know. Us humans could learn something from them.

I knew the way things were going, but I still wasn't completely ready for the call I got tonight from the vet with her test results. There's nothing they can really do for an 18 year old dying cat. They wanted me to bring her in tonight but I was like, hell no. Give me some time to process this. So they gave me 14 or 15 hours. I could tell them to go eff themselves but she's obviously in pain and suffering and after everything she's given me, I will not make her wait days or weeks to end that for her.

Tonight, we're just at home, cuddling. She knows what I know, and she's not fighting it anymore. She's been crying the past couple of days asking me to take care of this for her. So tomorrow morning I will. But for now, we've got tonight.

Chat Noir, you really are the best cat ever. You will be missed.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Face Time

This is exciting. Thanks to my brilliant boss, I've figured out how to enhance my blog to make it totally better. Check it out: on the right side: most popular blogs from the past month. So you don't have to read the crappy ones. :)

Please click on the ads, apparently I've made a whole $12 without even knowing it because I didn't know how to set that up properly. Now that it's done, Google will be sending me a check. I'm going to spend it wisely.

At the bottom of the page, you can hit buttons to share me on FaceBook, Twitter, Google+. If you help me out I'll give you my $12. Remember: if Dumb and Dumber taught us anything, it's that an IOU is better than money.

And the best part - for all you Europeans, Asians, South Americans, is that there is now a translate button at the very bottom so you can read me in your own language. I'm sure something gets lost in the translation though, as a warning. It's like trying to read Gabriel Garcia Marquez in English, or worse yet, watching the movie version of Love in the Time of Cholera (El amor en los tiempos del cólera).

Speaking of love, I've decided to dispense some more relationship advice this time around. I know what you're thinking and you're right. Why should you listen to me? The one girl who always ends up single while all her girlfriends constantly "relationship". Have you thought though, that maybe that's exactly the reason why I'm the best person to tell you this?

I've been listening to y'all bitch and moan about what you aren't getting from your current (seemingly fine) relationship. And what I would like to tell you is that: no relationship is perfect. Far from it actually. In the world of FaceBook and Instagram, we all look at each other and envy what the other person has. We compare our lives to everyone else's and obviously they are succeeding where we are failing. One person has someone who is there all the time, to do family dinners and take them on trips and build a home together but craves the emotional intimacy they feel lacking. Another one, has the seemingly perfect partner, while they are secretly sad said partner never thinks in couple terms about the future, and only lives in the single-life mindset. Or what about the relationship with the guy with the great job, who owns his own property and wants to settle down and have a family, but refuses to be affectionate?

I'm going to do you all a favour and make it very simple to understand. There are just a few basic wants and needs your woman has and here they are:

1) Emotional Intimacy: a deep, personal attachment and connection. She can tell you how she feels and you understand and communicate your feelings, needs, emotions back to her. Easier said than done, I know, but without this, she feels lonely and misunderstood.

2) Affection. This has nothing to do with sex. (Although, gawd, you're an adult, have sex with your girlfriend already.) Hugs, a kiss on the cheek or forehead, hold her hand when you're walking home from work. That's it, this one is easy.

3) Commitment. It's not easy to love you if we feel like we might wake up tomorrow and you're not going to be there. Be there. We need reassurance and consistency.

4) Validation and acceptance. We need to know our feelings and opinions matter and you will take those into account when we make decisions together. Even if you make a decision that contradicts ours, we need to know you considered all our inputs as valid. We need to have a voice that's heard.

5) Quality time. Men and women are very different in this respect. It's been proven that men feel that they've spent quality time with their partner when they've spent the night watching tv together on the couch. Women need that connection, that conversation to feel like it's been a quality interaction. That doesn't need to happen every night, but it needs to factor into how you view the quality of your relationship. Face Time.

Face time is something women are good at, and I'm not just talking about the iPhone app. I did recently get an iPhone though, as y'all know, and for me and my girlfriends who aren't in Toronto, we all know how important it is to make that tiny special effort to look each other in the face and feel our bond, even of only for a few minutes. It kicks the ass of text messages, emails and even phone calls. Do it. She'll feel oh-so-special and love you for it.

Now, I'm not saying you have to do all the work. But this is some pretty basic, free advice that I'm giving you here, and at $150 a pop at relationship counselling, you should at least think about it. Men and women, we're programmed differently. We don't get each other but we can keep trying.

And PS don't feel bad for me that I'm home alone writing blogs while y'all are cuddling on dates. If things don't work out here in Toronto, maybe I'll end up marrying the American or Vienna so the time I spent alone working, going to school and learning to speak German and American will really pay off. It's all going to work out in the end if we stay true to ourselves and remember, when you choose to really be in a relationship, life stops being about you and starts being about someone else. And when they're happy, you'll be happy too. Trust me.

Sunday, 3 November 2013

A Few Good Men

I have another funny date story from the weekend. I met up with 27 yesterday (This is a new 27, not the one from last year. He's 28 now, even though I'm still just 27.). :)

We went for brunch, he's super cute but as I had anticipated, a little too 27 for me. We went back to his place which was around the corner and watched funny videos, laughed, talked. He has THREE roomates, guys walking around half naked from the shower in a towel or eating scrambled eggs with way too much ketchup. I accidentally let the cat out and ended up chasing her/him around the block because God forbid I lose a guy's cat on the first date.

As he's surfing the net for fun stuff to watch he pulls up my blog. Apparently I'm not as well hidden as I mean to be. I thought you'd have to at least know my last name to find me on Google but apparently "Margaux+blog+Toronto" can get you there. My blog, right there, first option on the list.

So now the gig is up, but I'm not really all that worried about it. First date, would I prefer you find out who I am by spending a little bit of time with me instead of reading my entire life story on the internet? Sure. But reality with Margaux means you'll hear the whole thing eventually, so if you can't handle it, best you move on now before I care about you too much.

I wrote a blog awhile back called The X Factor, and at that time, I really did believe you could stay friends with someone you've been romantically involved with. Now though, especially after the events of the past few weeks, not so much. You can, until you decide to move on, get back in the game, then apparently you become the worst person they have ever met.

I have to interject here, after spending some significant amount of time listening to girlfriends complain about their current relationships, that I do believe it is the brave and honest thing to do when you end a relationship that's not what you're looking for and decide to be alone again instead of living a dissatisfied and un-true to yourself life. But that's just me.

Anyways. There is one guy who was an awesome boyfriend and never pulled the after break-up shit. I was thinking about him today when he popped up on FaceBook chat. This is the guy who was not only a great boyfriend, he was a great after-boyfriend. He never read my blog and sent me nasty messages because I was seeing someone new. He never called me names or deleted me from FB or made me feel bad for going back out there to try to find what I wanted.

I know what y'all are thinking, ohhhh The American is always the perfect guy on this blog. But he pretty much is. And now he's coming to New York which is a hell of a lot closer than he ever was since he left Toronto.

Would I like to move to New York and marry a lawyer? Hell yah. But I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed. Most of the guys I've dated the past couple of years have been pretty nice (with the exception of the lying, sociopathic, shit-disturber, you know who you are) but at the end of the day, there really are only a few really good men out there. Don't let them get away!  

Friday, 1 November 2013

The Fairy Princess

I'm only putting this out there because A) y'all have read too many serious Margaux blogs lately and B) I'm sure this happens all the time and none of us talk about it, but if we did we'd all feel less idiotic.

Last night I had a date. Let's call him...Halifax. So the first time we met things were pretty laid-back, maritimers always get along, especially when some whisky is involved. Yesterday, he texts me and this is how it went:

Him: If you want to grab a drink downtown after work let me know.

Me: Can I wear a costume?

Him: Yes.

Me: Will you be wearing a costume?

Him: Yes.

Me: Yay! I love it. What time?

Then I go home and spend the next 2 hours evolving into a fairy princess. My bestie picked me up a $5 dress from Walmart which was way, way too big so a million safety pins and a couple of hours later, I am all dressed up and doused in sparkles.

I head down to the bar and order a drink. About ten minutes later, he walks in, coming straight from work...wearing a suit. Fairy Princess dies a slow, painful death.

And then I suck it up. Because the best part about Halloween is you can be anyone you want to be. And fairy princesses probably really don't care what anyone else is wearing, no matter how ridiculous you look, even if it is only the second date.

Sunday, 27 October 2013

Dark Before Dawn

You gotta love technology. Being stuck in the past as long as I was, I was more surprised than anyone else when in a spur of the moment decision, I got rid of my BlackBerry and got an iPhone instead.

Why I didn't do this years ago, I don't know. It's awesome. And there you have it folks, that's the most exciting thing that's happened in weeks. Which is why, of course, I haven't been writing. It's probably just that fall is coming to an end, winter is coming (I finally caught up on Game of Thrones) but I've been feeling a bit down. Still.

"They" always say it's darkest before dawn. And "they" are right. What they don't tell you is that dawn can last an awfully long time. I think that's why I've been feeling the way I have. Before all the JWs start posting shit on my blog, let's be very clear I'm a happy person and this has nothing to do with you. But all of us can find ourselves at that spot where we've been working so hard (school, work, relationships, life) and it seem like nothing ever changes. Do you know what I mean?

It's not that I haven't been promoted at work or that I haven't had a break-through on the writing side, it's not that I haven't found "the one", it's not even that I have great friends but I still feel alone. It's the combination of all those things, plus, winter is coming.

On the work front, I shouldn't be surprised. Do I stress about it at nauseum, worry about it when I should be sleeping? Yes. But my boss knows this isn't really what I want. His great advice to me this week was to quit school and get a weekend job as a bartender so I can move to NYC and be a writer. Awesome.

School? Is fine. I'm type A, you're looking at As across the board here.

Relationships. I can't complain, the men I've dated have been lovely. Finding the right one, not as easy though, especially if you think you've already found him and he got away. Friends? I love my friends. I hate it though when all of them are in relationships at the same time. #lonelyweekends #thirdwheel

So I got out of the darkness, but the dawn dragging on this long is slightly depressing. Will it last? No, nothing ever lasts. It gets bad, it gets worse, it gets better.

In the meantime, if you're in my 'hood bring me a cupcake. I'm sad.

Saturday, 19 October 2013

I love you but I'm leaving you anyways

My Cat is going to die. I know, I know, we're all going to die but she's very old. And lately, she's too skinny and kinda mangy looking and I come home from work and my apartment is literally a shitshow.

I'm afraid to take her to the vet though, cause I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Saying goodbye is something I'm very, very bad at. Once I love someone, I always love them. This week, I had dinner with my mom and sister. My mom has now moved to South America, and while part of me is relieved, part of me really wishes the past 4 years could have been different.

The next night, I had dinner with another old friend from the past. Today, I was walking down the street and I saw my ex-best friend. I won't lie, I hid. But I felt bad about it, so I went back. And faced the music. It was fine. We hugged, we talked a bit, and I went home.

I recently broke up with my new best friend, so when he wanted to see me tonight, I thought I needed a friendly face. The problem with people you've dated is usually the friendship is ruined. I didn't want to believe that, so I went, but as it turns out, you can't go back.

The relationship wasn't right, we wanted different things out of life and no matter how much you love someone, goals, priorities, lifestyle, schedules, all these things matter. So I left. It's not much different than when I was a JW, I loved those people too. At the end of the day, I had to make a choice based on how I felt my path to happiness needed to go. It doesn't mean I didn't love them, or my heart doesn't break every day over this.

In the end, I love you, but I'm leaving you anyways.

Thursday, 17 October 2013

Careful what you wish for...

It's been odd lately. Not to say my life isn't usually odd, but the whole reappearance of the JW family has been throwing me off a bit. It's like NOTHING ever happened.

I realize I should just be grateful for this. It's what I've been working towards the past 4 years, isn't it? The balance is a little more...balanced, with my brother and I on one side, mom and sister on the other. Trying to make the scales balance.

The sinners and the saints are all together now, and I have somehow, miraculously, been granted re-entrance into the family. Now, we can all do family dinners, see movies, grab a coffee. It's like the past few years have evaporated into thin air. I've done my time and been granted a release from the solitary confinement, the shunning, the days of having people pass me on the street and look right through me while they walk by.

I had dinner last night with another old friend from a past life, she has two kids now. They told me they love me, and that I'm like family, and invited me to their place for the weekend.

I'm always honest on here, and I won't lie to you now. A huge part of me wants to say FUCK YOU. Where were they when I was jobless, homeless, suicidal, at the end of my rapidly fraying rope? Up on your high horse, looking down with condescention on me and the life I chose.

Like all the choices I've made over the past few years, I won't give in to that. Angry Margaux only hurts herself, and the obvious joy this new arrangement gives my brother is enough for me to stay quiet. I love my family. And my old friends. I just don't trust them. There can be love without trust in my life, it's something I will have to get used to.

The best part? With Thanksgiving right behind us, I've thought about all of this a lot. I have enough of a "family" now to be happy no matter what else happens. I don't need any of these people, they've gone away in the past and I survived.

What I do need is to have faith in me, in my friends, in the choices I've made. I have that.

And apparently, I have the old life back now too. If I was on Glee I would sing you some moving Beatles song but I can't sing. So all I have to say is when the choice is put in front of you, choose love. It's ok to be angry about it, but kindness is always the way to go. This way, we sleep easy, we find inner peace and we can finally, finally, let go of the past that haunts us.

Still, be careful who you trust. :)

Saturday, 12 October 2013

Have you written anything lately?

Nope, nothing. Nothing at all. I'm not sure how it works for most writers out there, but for me, I get this little voice in my head that seems to whisper a bit to me at first. If I'm feeling inspired, I can get out the laptop and work on that right away. If not, I wait, until it gets louder and louder and finally starts screaming at me and I have no choice, no matter what is happening, then to sit down and write something.

Lately, that voice has been disturbingly quiet. It's not like nothing is happening that I would usually want to talk about. Maybe too much is going on. I've sat here and started a number of blogs, just to save them to draft and put on yet another episode of Breaking Bad instead.

You'll be happy to know I've finally finished with that, and we can go back to all the "winter is coming" references as I transition back into Game of Thrones. And, oh, by the way, winter is coming. 

I'll give you a quick recap:

- Man problems. I found myself out last weekend with 2 men I've been involved with, and while we all tried to pretend we were all friends and everything was cool, it really wasn't. Drama. 
- Mommy issues. Yes, so this whole mom and sister deciding to ignore the fact that I called myself out as an "apostate" and pretending they didn't mostly shun me for 4 years is not sitting right with me. It feels weird. Just sayin'.
- Secret Life friend: here today, gone tomorrow. He's been around for awhile and that always improves my quality of life. As he was getting ready to leave, I realized I've become better at dealing with it. I barely even cried the morning he went to catch his flight. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. Happy for him as always, just can't help but be a little sad for me.
- Work. Enough said.
- School. I'm learning some really relevant things, but it's reinforcing how difficult a path it is to try to make a career out of being a writer. I guess I'm feeling a bit discouraged.
- This one is silly, but I usually dye my hair red in the fall and when I went to have it done last weekend I walked a blonde. Project Redhead: Fail.
- Lastly, most of my (very few) very good friends seem to be in real relationships these days, so I kinda feel like odd man out.

Add to that the fact that I haven't been feeling well, apparently we have someone breaking into our building regularly and stealing things and the general transition to an unavoidable winter...and what can I say? I've been keeping my mouth shut.

You know me though. It's Thanksgiving weekend. And I'll be damned if this is a sad blog. Y'all know I LOVE Thanksgiving. It really is the best holiday. Turkey dinners and friends and family and a reminder that we should really wake up every day with a gratitude list on how lucky we are to live in a world where things really, as bad as they get, are not all that bad.

I went downstairs tonight to the bar for a drink with one of my best friends, and ran into a girl I've met there a few times now. Her and her boyfriend are total sweethearts and last time I saw them I told them a little about this blog. Apparently they both went home and read me.

She came up and gave me a big hug and said that even though her experiences in life were different than mine, she could relate to a lot of the things I've expressed on here. She said I was a strong person, a good writer and her heart broke a little reading my story. She thanked me for telling it.

I guess some of the discouragement I've been feeling lately is around whether or not all this Herculean effort I've been putting forth over the past few years has been worth anything, to anybody. Knowing it is though, makes it all worthwhile. Even if our actions only help or affect one person, that's a success. I know for a fact though, there's more than one of you out there who get me.

I truly believe that all of us have our demons to battle, our past to make peace with and the never-ending project of coming to terms with self-love. Add to that the stressful days at work, the responsibilities of aging parents or growing children, trying to take care of our friends and family, trying to make ends meet, trying to better ourselves as individuals. It's exhausting.

I think if we all stopped trying to convince the world through FaceBook that our lives are fabulous, and were a little more honest and open, we wouldn't all feel the overwhelming pressure to look perfect. And in sharing our struggles and imperfections we could all feel more comfortable being perfectly imperfect.

Then we would realize that our imperfect lives are fabulous, just the way they are. Despite all that imperfection, this is our one chance at life. Let's be nothing but grateful for it. :)