Friday, 28 September 2012

The One that Got Away

Is it scorpion season?

Just a couple of days after my last blog (see Sting of the Scorpion) I decided to work from home. Best thing in the world is a sunny Friday afternoon, working in your living room. (Not really the best thing, the best thing would be not working and napping instead. But it's a pretty good gig.)

I decided to go for a walk at lunch. I am in desperate need to do laundry, I had nothing to wear. So I put on a pretty party dress and a pair of heels and headed out. I walked right into my first Scorpion, having lunch on a patio with my ex-boss. I haven't seen him in months.

In spite of the inconvenience that comes with accidentally running into the only man who has ever completely shattered your heart, I think the Universe knew I needed a check-in with someone who knew me before everything fell apart. I was happy to see him. The panic attacks went away.

I sat down with them and chatted. It took me right back through time to a place where everything used to feel ok. Not strange and lonely and scary.

Eventually Doug left and here I was, alone having lunch with Adam. He looks a little different. A little older. He's obviously had a haircut recently. He shared his lunch, I shared my life.

It was easy, natural and real. It was like we hadn't just gone years being apart. The challenging thing about having a soulmate out there, who you've already met, is knowing about Him. Knowing that he may have been your only chance at real happiness.

I'm happy now. But not the way I was with him. I have never felt that before or after. After all the hurt, the pain, the tears, the insomnia, the anxiety, I'm not angry. There is only love.

I told him my wine throwing story, he thought it was definitely in character. I told him about work and school and friends, all the things I've managed to accomplish since he left me.

I read once (oh gawd, I think it was in Eat, Pray, Love - I hate that book):

A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever. Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.

I will always be grateful to Adam. He let me love him enough to be brave enough to leave an entire life for him. Marriage, family, community, friends. It was the hardest thing I ever did. But it was the right thing. And I couldn't have done it without him.

Thursday, 27 September 2012

Sting of the Scorpion

"A fish may love a bird, but where would they live?"

I have nothing new to report, so let's tell a story.

Once upon a time, a cute, blonde fish met a tall, red-headed scorpion. She fell madly in love with him, so blinded by passion and romance, that she completely forgot about his tail. It wasn't until he almost killed her that she finally learned her lesson. (She didn't learn her lesson.)

She dated a few Leos (because a fish and a lion is such a better idea), but they mostly ate her for dinner.

Then she met another scorpion. Apparently, on their first date, she moved her chair back away from him a whole foot after she asked him his sign.

Pisces and Scorpios are an ideal love match.

This is what "they" say:

"The bond they create lasts a lifetime, even if they go their separate ways. Each returns in dreams, though they may never see each other physically again. It's just too deeply embedded in the heart and soul to ever forget."

Despite not being an idiot and completely knowing better, she fell for him, pretty hard and fast. He was a charmer, no doubt about it. Cute (but short) and seemingly completely enthralled with her, she gave away a good chunk of her heart. Willingly.

It was the first time since Adam, who was the first time she did that. The new Scorpion was an even better bullshitter.

After a few failed attempts at making something out of this, she wrote him off. Of course, eventually they ended up back in the same room they met. She decided to be nice. With a smile and a hug, things seemed ok.

That was, until he was sitting three feet away from her and started making out with some random stranger who showed up.

The sensitive Pisces tried to be a big girl for the first 15 minutes or so, until the Irish in her came out. She got up, threw her drink at him and went upstairs to cry.

I won't lie. First time I ever tried it, but throwing your drink at someone is ridiculously fun. Unless you are half-drunk and have bad aim to begin with and accidentally mostly hit the wrong person. Then you spend the next day wracked with guilt having panic attacks. Just sayin'.

Their dating season was cursed anyways, with her spending weeks and weeks thinking she was knocked up. (Sorry Daddy, I'll be more careful in the future.)

I actually thought the whole thing out very thoroughly. I couldn't raise my hypothetical Irish baby alone, so I'd have to move in with my best friend. The JWs would love that. Margaux's Complete Fall from Grace: Starring: Being a Single Mom and Living with Lesbians.

Mum probably wouldn't even send her bi-monthly "You're going to die at Armageddon" emails, she would just give up.

As it turned out, everything was ok. I'm getting older and the chances of having kids is decreasing. It's a two-edged sword. And as for the Scorpion? He's still free to go sting somebody else.

A very good lesson to learn though is the importance of trusting your gut. With the Scorpion, I had a crazy, instant connection. But I couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't OUR connection, it was probably the connection he has with every girl he ever meets. Makes you feel special, understood, desirable. He was very good at that. Too good.

And as for the fish? She's a little busy with school, work, the other work, a few friends. We're putting the boys on hold for now. But we're happy. :)

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Hey I just met you and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me maybe?

Last night at the restaurant, a guy came in on a date with a pretty blonde. Pretty common occurence.

But I knew him. It took a few extra, trying, but not really accomplishing, "discreet" glances, before I figured it out.

I dated him. About a year ago. We had a great connection. Not really sure what happened there. But he looks EXACTLY like someone else I dated not that long ago. At first glance, I thought it was him. I couldn't believe it was HIM, knowing where I worked and bringing in a hot blonde and all. This guy, who shall for the first and ONLY time, remain nameless, I was crazy about. The kind of crazy I didn't think I could do anymore. We had all of two dates before it fizzled.

Gawd, I think this means I have a type. But that's ok. You never end up with your type, at least in my experience. But then again, marrying not your type seems to lead to divorce so maybe we should just go with it.


Friday, 21 September 2012

Big girls don't cry

The weekend after I got home from New York, I got some BIG news. It looks like my ex-husband is getting remarried. As I have literally no JW connections anymore, I found out from my girlfriend, who happens to clean his teeth. I guess we still go to the same dentist. Actually, that's one of the reasons I hate going to the dentist. It's right across the street from his work. I'm always afraid to run into him, and have him walk right by without acknowledging me. That would hurt.

We all know I've been trying to move on as well. I've had a few boyfriends this past year. But getting remarried? Just a little over a year after we cried when we signed our divorce papers? After being together for 10 years? It seems much too soon.

So I cancelled my plans for the day, stayed home and cried for 7 or 8 hours. I couldn't stop. I got out the wedding pictures and cried over them.

I cried about everything we had together, everything we lost. I cried because when I got married, I thought it would be forever. I never envisioned getting divorced. I cried because I still miss Travis. Not every day anymore, but often. I spent a third of my life talking to him, dancing with him at weddings, going on dates, watching tv, having our friends over for dinner parties. Going to cottages. Travelling.

We learned to speak Vietnamese together, travelled to Asia. We got MARRIED. We went to every Blue Rodeo concert there ever was. We laughed. We picked out furniture. He was the first man I ever slept with. He was the best friend I ever had. In the end, leaving him was so much harder than leaving every other JW I had ever loved combined.

Growing up with divorced parents, I never learned how to feel secure in relationships. I could never say no to anyone, because I was always afraid someone else would leave. Travis was as close as I got to finding that kind of security.

Being completely alone for a couple of years has actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise for me. As much as we look for someone else to trust in, to take care of us, if we don't take the time to make things right with ourselves, to love ourselves and trust ourselves, even falling in love and getting married will never make us feel complete.

I always had the ability to find someone who would love me unconditionally, like me for who I was, in all my imperfection. Someone who would be there for me every day, through the good times and the bad times. I just didn't like her, didn't trust her, didn't listen to her and didn't take care of her.

Margaux and I took a couple of years to straighten things out between us. But we're in a good place now. We still miss Travis, but we know that walking down a different path, alone together, was the right choice.

I don't regret marrying Travis. At the time, in the life I was in, that was the right choice for me. And I will always have a million memories that make me smile. I was sad when I heard this news. I know it means we will never get back together. But that wasn't going to happen regardless. I know it means we will never be able to be friends. And that makes me sad too.

I had a beautiful, perfect wedding. Most girls want that at some point. As much as I hope to someday be with someone, I don't necessarily need to have that experience again. We'll see what happens.

In the meantime, I'm happy for Travis. I can continue moving on, guilt-free now, knowing he's found happiness again. I will always love him and if this is what he wants, now, at this point in his life, I'm so happy he's found it.

So I guess it's not true that big girls don't cry. It was only right for me to spend that Sunday mourning this new development in life. I felt horrible the next day. (And looked horrible. I'm an ugly crier.) But I got up, dragged myself to work and back into reality. And reality means fairy tales don't always have happy endings. Not all loves last forever. Some aren't meant to. Being a short story instead of a complete novel doesn't make a love any less significant.

This chapter of my life is definitely closed now. But all that means get to turn the page. :)

Hmmm. Guess I'm not just Blackbird anymore. Freebird:

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

Young Adult

I say this a lot lately, but it feels like fall. I was cold today. Currently accepting applications for strong men who would like to come over and help me close my windows. They are so heavy!

I woke up at 2 am to a 22 year old hostess from the restaurant sleeping next to me in my bed. Then this morning, to a 25 year old busser on my couch. I seriously have to consider the possibility of starting to lock my door.

I came home for lunch at 1:30 pm to kick them both out, he was still asleep. I didn't have the heart to wake him up. I'm not sure right now that he has a home to go to.

Since when am I in University?

Ok that was a bridge. I am back in school, and finally enjoying it. I'm taking two more courses, which is a lot to take on when you work seven days a week and go to school at night.

But unlike the courses I took last term, this first one seems really fun. I'm taking two again, so we'll see how the other one is tomorrow night. I know I already really like the teacher, so that's half the battle.

I walked in and sat down in the back next to 2 20-year old jocks. It was our second class. I got called out in the first 20 minutes for not having some documents, so I had to say I missed last week's class. The teacher asked me why, so I panicked and said, in front of everyone, I was on a business trip to NYC. It's kinda true, I did have lunch with my ex-boss.

My new boss, Jersey Shore, says I turn three different shades of red, really fast when I'm embarrassed. I'm sure that happened immediately tonight.

After turning red and picking up my documents, I had a really fun night. The teacher wanted us to get a sense of what we'd be dealing with in a course that's all about public speaking. So he called out person after person, giving each a seperate topic, one minute to gather your thoughts, one minute to speak. It was hilarious.

Everything from "What's your biggest fear?" to "What should the opposite sex know about you?" to my personal favorite, "Pigeons".

I think this class will be a lot of fun. And after the last one I did, I was almost ready to give up. But we don't give up, us Irish-Pisces.

One thing the teacher said tonight, was to never forget the "CON" in confidence. He said the most successful and talented baseball players have a 70% strikeout rate. So they go up there, knowing absolutely, that even if they are the best of the best, they will strikeout 70% of the time. Fail, 70% of the time.

It's the training they go through, from a young age, that keeps them grounded. You concentrate on the things you can control: preparation, mental attitude, skill. You don't think about failure, past experiences, what you can never control. You stay within yourself, think about what you KNOW you can do, focus entirely on the present.

And that's what "con" means, doesn't it? No one is entirely secure, so we fake it. We have to be real so people like us. But there's still an element of con. And no one is ever going to trust us if we don't trust ourselves.

I've worked hard on this, having lost every inch of confidence after being dumped by my whole life. And I know I'm still a psycho in relationships who pushes people away so I won't get hurt again.

But maybe I'll do ok in school. Work is going well. Jersey said he had some interesting projects lined up for me, so it should be a good week.

Be strong, focus on the present and do what you know you need to do. And at the end of the day, remember to BREATHE. (see "Being Brave")

Sunday, 16 September 2012

The Third Date Rule

Dating in the real world is still a new concept to me.

It's complicated. You have to factor in the good on paper aspects, do you get along? Have fun together? Does he have a good job? Similar values? Once you get to a certain age you wonder...would he be a good father? Can you imagine still being with this person when you're old and he's bald?

Then there's the sex. A friend of mine told me that if you aren't sleeping together by the third date, what the H are you doing? Another friend said she didn't sleep with her (now) boyfriend for months. She said when you start dating someone new, it's better to just date them, and have someone else you're sleeping with. Takes the pressure off.

For girls, this may be the way to go. I can't speak for everyone, but for some of us, the sex factor seems to make us slightly insane. I think it builds a false sense of intimacy, a more disappointing let down when they leave.

I can't help but wonder, is sex ever safe?

And as much as we try, can we diffrienciate that aspect of the relationship from falling in love with someone?

Besides the obvious dangers: disease, waking up pregnant, etc. is it possible to share your bed with someone without consequences?

For me, the best part is when you wake up in the morning, he rolls over and puts his arms around you. The worst part is when they get up and leave, and you never know if you'll see them again. Maybe I just haven't slept with enough men.

It seems that, by now, in my 30s, there are people out there who have slept around so much, it's not even special anymore. For others, it still means something.

Someone else I know told me the only way to get over someone, is to go out, meet someone new and bring them home. But I doubt that's the magic cure, although I'm sure it dulls the pain at least temporarily.

It would be nice if we all met that person, The One, while we were young and unjaded and it lasted forever. For most of us, on our second or third time around, that's not the case. We've been hurt, we know better, we build walls around our hearts and then cover them with barbed wire. Maybe for some of us, that morning cuddle with someone we barely know is as close as we'll get for now to love and intimacy.

But hopefully that will change. I don't judge anyone anymore, but I don't want to be the girl who won't sleep with her boyfriend, to keep him on the hook, while I sleep with someone else to pass the time.

But perhaps we should all wait for at least the third date. Sometimes, even if you really like someone, the third date just doesn't happen, and then you know better.:)

Friday, 14 September 2012

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

Ok so I just cried while watching the X Factor. Working from home on Fridays (and I use that term loosely) rocks. I've made a decision. I didn't date for two years after getting my heart broken. This past year and a half, I've had a lot of fun. But to be honest, I'm tired of waiting around for 25 year olds to show up (they are always late) and ready to move on. I know I'm super busy, and don't have that much time to invest, but I'm ready to fall in love again. So I'll put that out there to the Universe. Not going to go look for it, but if it falls into my lap, great. I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Clap your hands if you believe in fairies

Margaux is in love again. Someone from my past life, who I have been ignoring for years now but in the end, we were meant to be. Me and New York City.

Just spent a long weekend there. It was exactly how I remembered it, only so much better. The neighbourhoods, the restaurants, the people, the clubs. Apparently Anna + Margaux + wee dresses and cute shoes = we don't need to spend any money to eat, drink, take taxis, hang out in the most awesome places with great people for four days. American men really are the best.

Feeling totally exhausted but completely happy and refreshed, I'm home. Back to work, back to school, back to the people who love me every day.

And this morning I checked my blog. Someone wrote that apparently no one cares about this stuff and maybe I should shut it down. Very brave of you, "Anonymous".

So to the other 5,000 people who are reading these thoughts, let's take a poll. Post a comment below if you have an opinion on whether or not this is a worthwhile endeavour. Be honest. I can handle that. Just doing a check in on whether or not this is just an individual who wants to spew negative energy into the universe or if you really think I should give it up.

Thank you. :)