Saturday, 30 June 2012

Your Ex-Lover is Dead

Once upon a time, not that long ago, I was still pretty miserable. Things have been steadily improving in my life over the past year, with lots of changes, new people, new challenges and happinesses. But one thing would not change. I was still in love with my ex.

I was dating and meeting new people all the time and I even met a few guys that I really liked. Some of them are still my good friends now. But there was definitely a hole in my heart the shape of a tall, redhead nerd that just wouldn't go away. I tried everything I could think of. I made lists of all the times he lied to me and all the things he did that broke my heart over and over. I hated him, then I made peace with him, I avoided him, then I would actually cross the street to say hi and give him a hug when we would run into each other. I made new friends, I wrote blogs, I went back to school. Nothing worked.

Oddly enough, in the end, it just happened naturally, on its own. Toronto used to be a minefield for me. Everywhere I went reminded me of him, and when we'd been in that spot, at that restaurant or walked that block. One of our favorite things to do was go to Centre Island, take the ferry, have a picnic. Sit under a tree.

Yesterday, I went to the island. Not for the first time since him, I've been there quite a few times in the past couple of years. But for the first time, it wasn't a graveyard of buried hopes and broken hearts. I went with my good friends, we sailed over on their yacht, went to the pool at the yacht club, swam and lounged around for the afternoon. It wasn't until I went to take a shower, that I thought of him. And how being there should make me sad but instead I was having a great time.

It made me realize I got over my broken heart, without even noticing. Yes, it took years. I really loved him, part of me always will love him and be grateful to him. For showing me that important thing was I was missing and really wanted and needed. For letting me love him so much that I had the courage to completely change my life for the better.

Of course this has something to do with The American. It's possible I'm falling in love with him. And falling in love again seems to be the only complete remedy for falling out of love with someone else.

But it's more than that. It's realizing that I've somehow managed to build a new life, with new people, new prospects, new hopes and dreams that have nothing to do with Adam. He wouldn't fit here and I'd never be crazy enough to leave an entire life for him again.

I wish him well, and hope that he's happy. I hope he's happy that I'm happy. But his ex-lover, the girl who loved him more than life, willingly gave up everything for him, wanted nothing more than to be with him, to marry gone. I'm not sorry I met him, I'm not sorry it's over. But now all the things that were so clear, so important are getting a little fuzzy. Sometimes I try to really remember him, but I can't.

I'm grateful to that girl who followed her heart and decided to love Adam, but I don't miss her. Rest in peace. :)

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Little Flight Risk

The Universe always brings back to you what you put out into it. I believe that now. I haven't always been finding the right kind of people to build into my new life. There have been a few, but I think that's because I was only partly trying. Putting myself out there a bit, then running away...then trying again. Honestly, I was just scared. Scared to care about anyone, or try to let anyone new in. I've even pulled a bullshit disappearing act on Ron and Leslie a couple of times, but they've seen through it and decided not to accept it.

Kevin, the guy I've been seeing for a whole three weeks now, sees through it too. I think I tried to break up with him two or three times in the first week and a half. He's always sensitive to my boundaries. If I try to run away, he says ok, but tells me he wishes I wouldn't. When he talks about keeping things going after he's gone, and I tell him not to talk about it, he shuts up. And says "no pressure".

I know he understands though, because he calls me "little flight risk". Keeps asking me when I'm going to fly away. The funny thing is, and I would never tell him this, not only do I not want to do that, I don't even have an urge anymore to end things, walk away, delete him from FaceBook. I actually feel safe with him (and not just because he was in the army and can, and I quote "blow shit up").

This whole feeling safe thing is new to me since my world was rocked. Before that, I never expected anyone to walk away. Since then, I've expected everyone to. But slowly, slowly, people are winning me over. Liz first, then the Batts, then Kevin, Lindsay.

I ran into one of my ex-best friends at the grocery store last night. We'd been friends since we were ten years old. She was part of my wedding. We talked for a few minutes, hugged. And for maybe the first time, I wasn't angry. At her, at the JWs. She's doing what she thinks is right, what they are telling her she has to do. But it's making her unhappy. She would like to be my friend. She misses me. And I am just so glad that I don't live like that, will NEVER have to live like that again.

And about being a flight risk? I'm not sure. Don't tell Kevin this, but we have one week left and I wish it was a lot longer. Maybe I will take him up on the invite to Cincinnati to meet his parents. Or the vacation in California in August. We'll just have to see what happens...

Saturday, 16 June 2012

Father's Day Musings

This weekend is father's day. I have to admit, for a long time, my dad wasn't really part of my life. We could blame all sorts of people, but at the end of the day, it is what it is.

Fortunately, we were able to turn it around while he is still here, which is something huge to be grateful for. The things I've gone through in the past three years, I never would have got through without him. When everything was really bad, dad would call me every day. If I was having a bad day, he'd call me again. And again.

He wasn't here, but he did everything he could to be here for me. He has been my best friend and closest ally to get me through the hardest part of my entire life.

He always gives good advice and an outside perspective, which is important. But most importantly, he gives unconditional love.

Everything that I love about myself, comes from him. From the way I love people and will run myself to the ground trying to help them, to the really pretty blue eyes that are probably my best feature.

He's a terrible dancer. Just saying. :)

This probably sounds ridiculous, but I loved it when my dad used to smoke. He'd go out on the patio to have a cigar in the evening and everytime I was home, I'd go out with him and we'd talk, really talk about everything and anything. To this day, I love the smell of cigars...

Dad bought me my first car. He walked me down the aisle at my wedding. He's been there through good times and bad. We got food poisoning together once and spent an entire day throwing up in my bathroom. Good times :)

He has been someone I could look up to and respect, through the way he ran his business to the way he truly loves his wife. (And he does.)

But Father's Day means more to me this year than it ever did before. As much as I love my dad, other people have come into my life who deserve a shout out at the very least.

Stuart - I know he's not my dad. And he's not even my boss anymore. But god, I miss him! I'm pretty sure we overstepped some boundaries in that relationship, but I can't possibly think about father's day without thinking of him.

And Ron. Usually, your ex-boyfriends parents don't really factor into your life much once you've moved on, but Ron has been an important ally to me, a friend, and the kind of person you know you can go to for advice, a nice bbq dinner or a hug. He invited me into his family no questions asked and it's been one of the best things that have happened to me since getting kicked out of my old community.

At the end of the day, I feel extremely lucky. This Father's Day, tell the men in your life how important they are. Make them dinner, send them a card, let them know that everything they do makes a difference.

Daddy, I love you.

Saturday, 9 June 2012

Life or something like it...

This was a good week. Work has been busy, challenging, but at the end of the day I go home feeling content. School. My other job. Somehow, with all of that going on, I've managed to make a new friend and date someone new. (Friend and dating not related!)

Now it's 4:30 am and I'm cuddling with the cat thinking about how quickly life can change. It's almost like you wait and wait and wait praying something will change and it seems like it never will, but then without even realizing what's happening, it does.

This guy is all wrong for me. He's American. He's almost a lawyer. Two things I don't like: American guys and Lawyers. It keeps getting better. He's Republican, his dad is a politician. He was in the army. He can make one syllable words sound like three. He wears sneakers in public.

But he's sweet. And polite. I was hanging out my window smoking tonight, procrastinating getting ready for our date, and I saw him. He showed up early. He looked at his watch, looked at my building and walked away. He wouldn't even buzz me until he was actually supposed to be here.

I've been fighting it, but I really like him. In the "it's scary" to like someone that much category. He's already talking about how to keep things going when he goes home in a few weeks. And maybe he'll go home and I'll never hear from him again. But right now I doubt it.

My new friend is pretty cool too. She tall, a redhead. Really cute. We had a good time last night, having Thursday night drinks on a patio. I miss having fun girlfriends. I have one. Which is great, but you can always use a few more friends. I went out on a limb asking her to hang out, but she texted me a bunch of times today and wants to hang out again next week, so sometimes it's worth it to take a chance!

I've felt for so long that my life was almost a disconnect, I couldn't put the pieces together. And the past months, I've been struggling with how to deal with losing my uncle.

But today, I feel like things are ok. It's almost like I have a life again. Some plans, some friends, lots of work...people who like me despite the fact that I'm completely imperfect. Life is good. :)

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Free Bird

"Lord knows I can't change." (lynard skynard)

I'm a Pisces for crying out loud. I have all the traits, the good ones and the bad ones. Apparently we are dreamers, who live partially in an imaginary world of happy endings. Overly sensitive, loyal, compassionate. The compassion thing is both a strength and a weakness, because other people's suffering affects us so deeply.

We don't like rejection and don't deal with it well AT ALL. The most sensitive of all the zodiac signs. They say we are extremely romantic and can completely lose ourselves in love. We're good natured and kind and usually give more than we ask for, but then we turn around and beat ourselves up more than anyone else ever would. Creative. Emotional. Have a tendancy to turn tragedy into creativity. That's where this blog comes into play.

At times it's been an outlet, a way to put feelings into words, whether it was a bad date or a bad run in with my mother. Sometimes, it's almost funny the things that happen. At other times though, it's been serious, and I just wanted to warn others not to stay in a bad situation, but to get out, even if getting out is the hardest thing they've ever done.

Someone I used to love keeps telling me they are sad and lonely in their marriage, miserable at their job. But they get up every morning and go to a job they dislike, go home every night to a wife they don't love. Maybe it's the dreamer-pisces in me, but I can't imagine living that way. Spending hours, weeks, years being less than happy.

Life is too short. So as much as sometimes I complain on here that I'm not where I want to be, don't have enough friends, feel lonely without a partner in life...I'm free. And when you're free anything can happen. Sometimes, if you're very lucky, you can fly.

Monday, 4 June 2012

New Topic Bookmark?

I've decided it must be be bookmarked on someone's internet page. It's by far not one of my best blogs, but it gets more views than anything else. Who is cyber stalking me? :)